So, you made plans while you were still happy-drunk to go to brunch the next morning. Well, it's finally morning, and being anywhere that isn't your bed is the last thing you want to do. You're not alone.
Chances are, no one wants to go. But you made a verbal contract to not be a sh*tty person, and to show up at some God-awful restaurant where people are not respecting your pounding headache and being unreasonably loud. But if everyone else can make it out of bed in (mostly) one piece, you can too.
Unless you are literally on your deathbed, you'd better get your sh*t together, brush the vomit out of your hair and show your face. Here are the four laws of brunch you have to abide by:
1. Don't be too late.
Life is hard when you're feeling like someone kicked you in the face after a night out of binge-drinking and making out with that creepy foreigner. But guess what? Everyone else is in the same boat, and probably feeling just as sh*tty. If your friends can show up, you can bet your ass you're going.
Now, you definitely have a window of about 15 to 30 minutes. This is completely reasonable if you're making the time to see people when death is on the table. Any longer, and the rest of your party has every right to order without you and bitch at you, thus making you feel worse than you already do.
Note that if the restaurant has the policy of only seating people when the entire group is present, you'd better show up on time, if not five minutes early. If you think getting out of bed is hard, you can bet that standing in a crowded restaurant while you want to vomit is even harder.
2. Don't judge.
Let's be honest here: We've all come to brunch at least once while wearing the same clothes from the night before. It's no big deal. Plus, it usually makes for a great story.
But where's the fun in that if you're just going to get judged harder than someone wearing Crocs out in public? Brunch is supposed to be a judgment-free zone.
You should be able to walk in with your head up high, and still have last night's fierce cat eye smudged across your eyelids. Your blowout is allowed to look like a rat's nest.
Who has the time or coordination to shower and dress to kill when one is hungover as f*ck, or worse, still drunk? Keep those evil eyes focused on what you're going to order, and be thankful that your friends will still accept you the next time you show up looking like you partied with Paris and Lindsay the night before.
3. Don't be cheap.
If you're going to brunch with a group of people, expect to split the bill. No one has the mental capacity after a night out to sit down and do the math. Don't think that the fact that you ordered a parfait while everyone else ordered real food and a few drinks is an excuse. If you're planning on being that person, you are better off not showing up.
Sure, if someone orders a three-course meal and seven drinks, she should definitely cough up a little more money to front the feast. But in any other case, be prepared to pay equally.
Don't be stingy with the tip. Those waiters want to be serving your drunk asses at 11 am just as much as you wanted to go outside and face the sun.
Cash brunch? Don't show up without money. Otherwise, talk to a friend about fronting you until you can Venmo him or her back.
4. Don't bail.
This is the one rule that can definitely be broken under the right circumstances. If you're planning on meeting a group of 25 people at noon, chances are, you won't be missed if you're a no-show. Honestly, people may be thankful that someone didn't show up.
It's also acceptable if canceling is agreed upon by the majority of the party, as everyone is too fragile to leave her bed. But if you're meeting a select few, you'd better get your sloppy ass out of bed and get to that restaurant across town.
Brunch is hard: I get it. No one wants to leave her place (or someone else's) looking like a sewer rat. But guess what? You agreed to these plans. Just because you were blackout drunk when it happened, that doesn't make it an excuse to be an assh*le and cancel.
Remember, it should be a no-judgment zone. So throw on your sunglasses, pop some Advil and call an Uber. There's no way out of it. If you knowingly can't follow these simple rules, think twice before making a deal with the devil when you're drunk AF.