What I Did While You Were Sleeping: The Morning Of A Millennial Mom

It's 10:35 am on Sunday morning. It's a time I used to sleep through, and waking up now usually would have killed me. But even though it is, in fact, the weekend, I was awoken about three hours ago — the usual time — to the sounds of our daughter talking to her teddy bear in her crib, throwing it out of her crib and then crying because she wanted it back.

I keep peeking in on you, as you look so peacefully cuddled up in the sheets of our bed that I miss so much right now. Despite being in my haze of exhausted jealousy, I've kissed you twice. I've even listened to your request to "shut the door and lower the living room TV" because, well, it would be so unfair for you to have to wake up before you were ready on a Sunday morning.

Last night, after a long, exhausting day of toddler life, I all but collapsed onto the couch to indulge in some mindless Instagram scrolling and unwind for just a few minutes. That's when you so lovingly called attention to the fact that I am "always on my phone." I believe, my love, that you might have even told me not to be "so lazy” because our child was still tearing up the living room, while you relaxed in the bedroom.

Yes, honey. You are right. I am lazy. I am the laziest.

In fact, I'm so useless on most days that it's amazing I can even get myself dressed in the morning, let alone care for our child. So allow me, sweet husband, to tell you what this lazy ass of mine is up to this morning, while you are still peacefully asleep in the delicious quiet of our bedroom.

I've already changed two dirty diapers and made three different breakfasts, which have all ended up on the kitchen floor. I did one load of laundry, walked and fed the dog, emptied the dishwasher and cleaned up the mess you made in the kitchen last night. I read "Goodnight Moon" before my first cup of coffee and played peekaboo before my second.

While you were sleeping, I've gotten myself and our little child dressed, broken a sweat in the process and met some friends at the park playground. While there, I chased our really fast child up and down the ramp, took her down the slide a few hundred times and then fought her strong little body as she refused to get back in the car to come home.

I then got kicked in the stomach. I don't mean to brag, but once we were home, I finally got our little girl to eat something.

While you were still sleeping, I washed her up, cleaned the dirt from the park off her hands, changed her outfit yet again and managed to pee without her climbing into the tub.

Our dog had gone through the trash while we were out. There were Q-tips and paper towels all over the place, so I cleaned that up, too. You probably didn't hear that, though, since you were sleeping so soundly, wrapped up in blankets and all.

It's now 11:15 am, and I have contemplated waking you, but I stopped myself. For I am writing this post on my phone right now, and I didn't want you to accuse me of just sitting around lazily, always using some form of technology.

While you were sleeping, I considered asking our neighbor to rev his motorcycle engine outside our bedroom window to jolt you out of bed. I thought about blasting music into the baby monitor and turning the volume up full blast next to your head.

Then, I selfishly contemplated ways to coerce you into one day letting me sleep in, unbothered and untouched by a toddler's bodily fluids, but I thought, I better not act so lazy.

And I did all of this while you were sleeping.