How The Summer Heat Affects You, As Told By Your Zodiac Sign
We're deep into the hottest days of summer, and unless you were raised inside of a windowless van in Arizona, you've probably noticed that the summer temperatures have us all acting just a little... off.
Maybe it's the fact that all our favorite foods taste too heavy. Maybe it's that our clothes stick to our bodies in all the wrong places, or maybe it's feeling like we need to shower four times a day, but the sweltering heat of summer can drive everyone to act in ways that are not normal.
But don't worry; it's not a nervous breakdown; it's just late July. Here's how your zodiac sign is most likely reacting to the dog days of summer, for better or worse.
Aries: Will Fight You
Aries already runs hot, so when the temperature outside their bodies matches the temperature within, things come to a boil very quickly, and the first thing to burst is their patience. So turn on a fan or stay out of their way.
Taurus: Lives Entirely On Fro-Yo For Four Months
Taurus won't let summer stand in the way of their life of luxury, in fact, they'll use it as the perfect excuse. If you plan on dining with one of them, you can expect it to be at a gelato spot, at least for June and July.
August is when they'll scale back to a healthier option — fro-yo.
Gemini: Stays Inside On Social Media And Feels Guilty For Being Inside
There's no reason to feel guilty, Gemini. Unless you have beach day plans or an Instagrammable smoothie in your f*cking hand, you're not missing much. There's nothing out there in the sweltering heat for you besides a soggy pair of underwear for no fun reasons.
Cancer: Scrolls Social Media To Stew About What They Haven't Been Invited To
Sure, spending a whole summer crying about whatever barbecue you haven't been invited to is rough, but since Cancers are such crybabies anyway, you might as well consider the bright side: At least crying is a good way to cool off.
Leo: Effortlessly Makes Their Sweat Look Like A Natural Glow
Leo is most likely shocked they sweat at all, considering their delusional level of a confident self-image. But hey, at least they can maintain their confidence while the rest of us struggle to feel attractive.
I mean, who feels sexy when they're physically melting? Leo, apparently. Just check out their Instagram feed to see why Cancer is feeling so left out.
Virgo: Gets Annoyed At How Dramatic Everyone Is About The Heat
"It's not like you're all gonna die, shut up already," you'll hear Virgo repeating to everyone who mentions how unbearable the heat is.
It's just so obnoxious to Virgo that nobody can show any restraint with all that complaining about the weather, but they fail to realize their annoyance might actually be due to the heat itself.
Hate to break it to you Virgo, but you're one of us.
Libra: The Reason Virgo Is So Annoyed
You'd think Libra was spending the entire summer walking around on hot coals considering the way they wail about the uncomfortable conditions of the summer months.
That, or they'll throw it in your face how much they just looove summer, and how they were born to live in hot climates. My point is, they know how to make weather patterns all about them.
Scorpio: Gets Uncontrollably Horny
May God have mercy on anyone who gets into bed with a Scorpio during the hot summer months. There's a 99 percent chance you'll be split in two.
You know how upset everyone gets when it's hot out? Well, Scorpio knows how to channel all that frustration into sex, and it's a lot of frustration.
Sagittarius: Buys A One-Way Ticket To Alaska
Being the eternal optimist that they are, Sagittarius will use the restlessness they feel for an excuse to get the f*ck out of Dodge.
They love to travel, so the further the destination the better, and they might as well cool off while they're at it. Nothing allows you to escape the summer heat like actually just escaping.
Capricorn: Tries To Ignore Their Discomfort, Blows Up A Building
No sign is more likely to go into a full-on mental rage fit than a Capricorn because they're such skilled sociopaths.
They'll spend the whole summer trying to solve the problem, turning up the A/C, filling the house with fans, sticking their heads in the ice box. Then the energy bill comes, and all hell breaks loose.
You can f*ck with a Capricorn's patience, but not their patience and their savings account.
Aquarius: Plans A Whole Summer Of Fun With Friends
Aquarians know how to roll with the punches. They know that the only constant is change, and they see summer as the perfect opportunity to get their friends out of the house to go on adventures.
They'll plan trips to the beach, the waterpark, or a cute crab shack by the water. If you don't like summer, get yourself an Aquarius friend. They'll show you the beauty of it.
Pisces: Spends Four Months Gasping For Air Like They're Dying
Take the Libra level of summer drama and turn the volume on it up to a 10. Pisces will spend summer acting like they're being forced through a meat-grinder, and even if they get out of the house with their friends, they'll most likely make a hero out of themselves for it.
They're the biggest martyrs in the Zodiac, what else do you expect?