It's no secret that I am no stranger to affection. I could damn well be a professional hugger. And because I am naturally a VERY friendly person, it's pretty normal for me to do things like hold hands with my best friends. It probably doesn't help that I grew up around touchy-feely people. After all, being part Hispanic has made me accustomed to kissing people's cheeks or giving them hugs as a greeting. Affection is in my blood.
My loving personality might do well in certain relationships and add fire to my sex life, but it doesn't fare too well for me in the corporate realm -- where many offices' contracts clearly specify, in black and white, that we're NOT supposed to touch each other other than a quick handshake. But handshakes are not enough for affectionate people like me, and so we struggle with caressing withdrawals daily.
Here are 40 of the low-key struggles we touchy people face every day in the office:
1. You feel like the human version of Tickle Me Elmo trapped in an episode of "Suits." But in your head, you're actually doing this all day:
2. You tend to accidentally grab or shake people's shoulders when your Seamless order arrives.
3. You're tempted to braid your co-workers' hair when you get bored.
4. You just NEED hugs sometimes, AND YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM. F*CK.
5. You randomly crave cuddling, and you get really sad when you can't do it.
6. And if you do hug or cuddle someone, you might get a weird look. You know the one.
7. You get overly excited when a dog comes to the office, and you pet the dog way longer than you should.
8. You feel like a firecracker among ice cubes. Everyone seems cold. Why you gotta be so rude? Don't you know I'm an employee too?
9. You have a tendency to make co-workers uncomfortable.
10. People think you're hitting on them instead of just being you.
11. You're probably really silly and playful. Too silly and playful for your own good at times. Well, OK, most of the time.
12. People regard you as the detergent mascot Snuggle instead of a respected employee.
13. You can't understand people who spend a lot of time alone.
14. You get sad when someone doesn't reciprocate your love for high-fives.
15. Or hugs. Hugs are your crack.
16. People hate you when you show even the slightest bit of love to your work wives or husbands.
17. You force co-workers to awkwardly jump up and down with you when it's their birthday. GET EXCITED, SUSAN, YOU BORING SL*RE!
18. You might accidentally grind on people at happy hour. Oops, that was a definite no-no.
19. Sitting in a chair for eight hours on your lonesome is hard. Really f*cking hard.
20. You need constant attention, so you fight and give into urges to text or message people on the work messenger.
21. You probably have a stuffed animal on our desk for a sense of comfort. Or an obnoxious amount of photos of friends taped to your computers.
22. Personal space just doesn't exist in your mind.
23. People have personal boundaries, and you want to ignore all of them.
24. You get excited pretty easily and take that as an opportunity to touch people.
26. You don't mind being the last in the elevator because you don't mind squishing into everyone, and everyone secretly hates you for it.
27. You're constantly tempted to put your head on a co-worker's shoulder when you get sleepy or sad. Once in a while, you cave.
28. You always want to take selfies with your BFF colleagues. With your faces close together. #justgirlythings
29. You sometimes cover a co-worker's eyes like you're playing peekaboo, but you wind up just freaking everyone out instead.
30. When laughing with someone, you accidentally give into the temptation to rub elbows.
31. You have to restrain yourself from being too playful and crossing a line. You have to tell yourself "No" a lot of the time in your head. Like, "No, Jess, you can't smack your biffle's booty in the workplace."
32. The word "inappropriate" is foreign to you. No, but seriously, the f*ck does that word even mean? You'll never know.
33. You are a walking KY commercial. You always want to touch and be touched. BUT sadly, you can't from 9 to 5. Every day.
34. You sometimes whisper into someone's ear instead of sending an e-mail. Oops.
35. You are HIMYM's Patrice and everyone else is Robin. Personal bubbles were meant for popping, am I right?
36. You call co-workers endearing things like "bae," "boo thang," etc. on Slack, even though you know it's not professional.
37. You have nicknames for them, too. Good morning, Sean of the Dead. Waddap, Evan Almighty.
38. You stand or sit too close to people, and scare them when they turn around and see you in their personal space.
39. You repeatedly wish you were in preschool again just so you can nap with other people every day.
40. You're not harassing people; you just want to play with them. Seriously.