If you have ever been in a college bar, you've probably seen 'em. Maybe you have even been one.
I'm a queer woman. I kiss girls in bars too (not often enough sometimes), so I know how fun it can be. Now, I know what you are thinking. You've probably heard it before. This is the part where I tell you not to kiss girls because you identify as "straight" and because you're "doing it for male attention."
And it gives me a bad name.
Here's the thing: I am not going to tell you that. Go on. Kiss girls if you want to. But let's establish some ground rules, because I am down with you kissing whomever you want, but you shouldn't be doing it uninformed.
Sexuality and gender is fluid.
If you kiss girls and identify as "straight," that's fine. But you have to admit that everyone has the right to define themselves in whatever way they want to define themselves. So don't let me hear any transphobia or "dyke"-shaming while her lip gloss is still smeared across your face.
You are now part of a movement that is sex positive, anti-slut-shaming and pro-QUEER. You need to recognize that. Once you do, it's your body and your choice. As long as you aren't hurting anyone, kiss anyone you want (always remember to get their consent first — that's really important).
Do it for the right reasons.
Give a fast thought to why are you are kissing a girl. Is it for fun? Good reason. Is it to explore? Great reason! Is it just because you just felt that the moment was right? Perfectly fine!
Is it for a boy? Well, that's not so great. Did he ask you? Stop. Back up. This is where you start doing some damage.
First off, let's never let a man tell you what to do with your sexuality. That is a part of (you guessed it) rape culture. But even more than that, no one should tell you to do something that you are uncomfortable with no matter what.
But let's say you wanted to kiss that girl in front of a man to turn him on. The big part of this is "want." If you want to, I can't stop you. But, why did you want to? Was it for you? Do you like playing with your sexuality? Do you know what you are doing, and are you in total control?
Or is this act something you've seen in movies? Movies most likely written by guys. Are you letting a patriarchal system define what is hot, and are you feeding into it?
OK, that was a lot of theory and terms really fast. Let's break it down.
Women, for a long time, were not allowed to kiss women publicly. Now, some women can. See, you can kiss your friend in a bar for the enjoyment of men. But I often can't kiss my girlfriend in a bar. Or after dark. Or in a lot of places.
I mean, we can, but it can be dangerous. We might get weird looks or threats, or men might try to hit on us because they think we are you. Queer women have to deal with a lot of prejudice — a lot that you won't have to — because you are kissing for the enjoyment of men, and we are doing it for ourselves.
So we get mad. Can you blame us?
Why do you think men even find this hot in the first place?
You would never ask a man to kiss his bestie in front of you. Or maybe you would. If you would, that's pretty badass, and I salute you.
So, why is it OK for him to ask you? Is it because you are a woman? Yes. Is he thinking about having sex with both of you? Probably. Now, if you are into threesomes, then this makes perfect sense. Kiss your friends. But if you only want to have sex with him and not your sorority sister, just know that he is the kind of guy that would probably have sex with either of you.
It's not easy being queer.
What you are just doing for a laugh can be another's persons whole life. You can kiss your BFF and then leave the bar and never think of it again.
But queer women don't have that luxury. This is our entire life, and the "fun" comes with discrimination. It comes with hardship. Don't make it harder for us.
Don't embolden horned-up assh*les with your antics. At the same time, don't do it at gay bars and then get mad if a "lesbian" tries to talk to you. It's our space, not yours.
Don't make jokes at our expense. By kissing a girl, you are dipping a toe into our community. Please show some respect.
The big takeaway.
You are in control of your sexuality. You can do what you want. Just remember, if you kiss girls for the wrong reasons, you hurt yourself, and you might even hurt a queer woman like me.
If you are kissing girls (and doing it for the right reasons), you can still be straight. But you also really might not be. Have fun. Be safe. But know that it's kind of a big deal to some of us.