I have to preface this post by saying these past 10 months have actually been amazing. For the most part, I have gotten very lucky: no morning sickness, no constipation (TMI), good test results (there are a lot of them) and an active baby who I can feel moving around constantly (which is so cool).
I've been able to keep working. Except for some restrictions, I can basically resume my normal life, all while growing a human. Cray.
But outside of this, there have definitely been situations where I've been literally thinking “WTF? No one taught me this.” Where was the college course on Pregnancy 101? Maybe I'll invent it. (Although it would probably frighten everyone.)
I thought it would be entertaining to share my top 10 WTF pregnancy experiences for some LOLs:
1. Tums On Repeat
If you're lucky enough to experience the joy of pregnancy heartburn, you know that it literally feels like your throat is on fire. How am I supposed to drink my cup of coffee each morning when it's always on the verge of coming back up?
Skipping the caffeine is not an option if I want to function as a normal person in society. There were multiple times when I had to run to the bottle of chalky tablets and pop those guys like candy. In case you were wondering, the generic brand doesn't taste the same as actual Tums does, so choose wisely.
People say that heartburn means your baby will have a lot of hair (??). We'll see if that's true soon.
2. Assembling Baby Gear
You should've seen our faces when we poured out the pieces that ultimately made up our baby swing. They say that whatever happens in labor stays in the delivery room. It should be, whatever happens while you're putting furniture together stays in that moment while you're putting furniture together.
It's a lose-lose situation because you can't do it alone. But you also may not have a SO after if you do it together.
I'm being dramatic, but seriously: Why are there so many pieces? Teamwork makes the dream work, baby.
I had to literally leave work early one day because I was so hot and uncomfortable in my sweater and jeans, I almost cried. Then, there was the time at the mall when I had to take a break just to unzip my boots and let my legs breathe.
I don't mind sweating when I'm supposed to be sweating, like say, during a workout. But when you're sweating from normal, everyday activities, it's just sick.
There have also been multiple times in the night when I've woken up with hot flashes, and have had to change my clothes. This baby must be packing a lot of body heat.
4. Bladder Issues
If your baby is on your bladder, you basically have to go again before you can exit the stall, wash your hands, check your hair and get out of there. It would've been really convenient if I could have just brought my laptop in there with me.
Can you imagine?
5. Body Pains
When I say body pains, I'm mostly talking about lower half pains. There are times when it feels like your pelvic bone is just in shambles.
Walking, putting weight on one leg and changing sleeping positions are all uncomfy no-gos, and the grand entrance into the world hasn't even happened yet.
6. More Cellulite
This one was immediate. Six weeks in, and I'm finding cellulite in places that I didn't even know existed. All the muscle I had worked so hard for seemed to disappear.
Craig says this one isn't true, but I know he's just being nice. Maybe if I had spent less time taking "bump date" pics, I wouldn't have this problem. Thank god my largest months have been in the winter. I can sort of hide that sh*t.
Mom says this is a product of motherhood. Hopefully, it's just a product of pregnancy that I can combat post-birth.
7. Extreme Hunger
In your third trimester, you literally can't get un-hungry. Then, when you finally do, you're stuffed and not feeling so great. There's pretty much no happy medium.
Unfortunately, my go-to salads didn't do the trick to keep me full. Insert sandwiches, bagels, wraps, cereals, tacos and other carbs.
8. 3 am Anxiety And Insomnia
First, you are waking up to go to the bathroom. Then, before you can get back to sleep, you're thinking of many ridiculous scenarios that haven't even happened yet.
What do I do when he's teething and won't sleep? What will happen when I'm up all night and have to go to work in the morning? What do I do when I'm too tired to function and want to leave, but I can't because I have meetings and responsibilities?
What if this goes on for months, and I never sleep or function well again until every tooth grows in? I know these challenges will actually happen. But let's take it one day at a time, sister.
9. Maternity Leave Office Preparation
I know I've talked about the paperwork, but what about the actual leave? Holy moly.
For those of you who work in a fast-paced office environment, think of how hard it is to plan to be out for a one-week vacation. Now, multiply that by 12.
I've been trying to train my backups for a month now. It'll be weird, and a big change of pace to be out of the office for 12 weeks. But it'll be a great time to spend with the baby.
10. Side Sleeping
I'll never understand why people voluntarily sleep on their sides. It legit feels like your arms and shoulders are going to fall off in the morning, and you have to make sure to switch sides every so often. This doesn't sound like a big issue, but when you literally feel like a beached whale when you try to change positions, it poses a big challenge.
I've caught myself, even in the late stages of pregnancy, trying to sleep on my stomach. OK Kayla: Let's try not to squish the baby.
Keeping a sense of humor about these WTF woes is definitely the key, or they'll eat you alive. Do I care that nothing fits? Yes.
But I'll take care of that after the baby arrives. For now, I'll remember that these are temporary pains that will ultimately bring me to life's most precious gift, which keeps on giving (and taking).
This post was originally published here.