8 Signs You're The Worst Intern And Absolutely Will Not Get Hired
You're technically an adult, but you still haven't accepted the death of "summer vacation," so you’ve chosen to intern your way through these next three months.
You decided your first day you would never want a career here, so every morning at 9 am, you strategize how you’re going to waste the entire eight hours.
No one trusts you with assignments, and they shouldn't. You’re useless by design.
Getting an internship is hard, but succeeding in one shouldn't be.
Here are eight reasons you know you're not getting hired next year:
People Walk By You Way Too Frequently
The traffic around your desk is getting too congested not to be suspicious.
They are watching you.
They strut by your monitor only to realize that you’ve been in the weird section of YouTube all day.
They have to know you do nothing.
You Have "Work-Related" Tabs At The Ready
With your higher-ups circling you like sharks of accountability, you’ve developed a phobia of being exposed for doing no work.
You could easily solve this by “doing your job,” but the law of inertia dictates your uselessness is not going anywhere.
Right behind your Twitter and iMessages, you have PowerPoint decks and Word docs ready to spring into action.
You're basically a drug dealer who starts preaching The Gospels whenever a cop rolls by.
But, this constant vigilance has left you on edge and actually more stressed.
Anyone could do the tasks assigned to them, but only you could create an environment where your distractions exhaust you more than any assignment could.
So, when you think about it, you are actually working harder than anyone else.
You’re a goddamn hero.
You Identify With Jim Halpert
Except everyone is Phyllis, and there is no Pam.
You Look Forward To Going To The Bathroom
You’ve realized sitting down is slowly killing you.
The walk to the bathroom stirs your blood and reminds you that you're physically alive.
And peeing feels pretty good.
People Treat You Like An Idiot
Unless you got this internship through a combination of nepotism and sex, you’re a smart person.
At the very least, you are not the idiot they think you are.
But, they don’t trust you, they don’t like you and you are the last resort for tasking.
With no work to avoid, your procrastination actually feels like work.
Taking every “Which [Blank] Am I?” quiz is no longer something you want to do; it’s the only thing you have to do.
And there comes a point when you just need to accept you’re never getting Han Solo, so just stop taking that f*cking Star Wars quiz, you sad man.
You Sleep In Secluded Areas Of The Building
You get tired, but if you drink any more coffee, you will have to start leasing the bathroom.
When 2 pm arrives, you sneak off to some inconspicuous alcove to take a paid nap.
For instance, my first day, I went into the handicap stall, sat down and closed my eyes. Then, I heard wheels rolling toward me, and I quickly barricaded the door.
I'm kidding, of course.
The Mention Of A "Progress Review" Makes You Quiver
We've established you do jack sh*t at this place, so a cumulative review of your neglect seems like Corporate Judgment Day.
You've even started to feel kind of bad about how little you do.
You look at your paycheck every two weeks with a twinge of guilt in your heart because the only true skill you've exhibited since your first day is deception.
But, then you step outside at 5 pm, and your morals dissolve.
"Fooled 'em again!" you cackle as you waltz through the parking lot to do victory donuts in your parents’ car.
You Wrote This Article Exclusively At Work
This point may only apply to me, but if you’d like a sense of who I am, just replace “you” with “I.”
You've got it.
So, if you’re anything like me, maybe pursue a different company after graduation.
Or, you can just publish this under your real name and hope you don’t get in trouble.