29 Problems That I Definitely Should Have Outgrown By 29

by Matthew Farris

Holy f*ck, I feel old. I'm 29, but I don't feel a day over 24, physically or mentally. I'm at that age where I'm kicking the hinges off the 30s' door, and I'm not really happy about it.

I've had some fantastic life experiences, I've done some sh*t that most can't even fathom and I've had a f*cking blast in my 20s. I've gotten in trouble, I've gotten into fights, I've been arrested, I've gotten laid and I've learned from all of it.

That said, I'm nowhere near where I should be. I should be more established in a career. I should be married, engaged or have a solid long-term girlfriend at the least. None of these are applicable to my existence.

I have a habit of drinking too much, sleeping around and stumbling my way through careers as I struggle to work on my real passions, writing and music. I find that as much as I may have grown and matured over the last decade, I still make some of the same mistakes I did in my early 20s. I may be just as lost now as I was then, just in a different manner.

After some uncomfortable self-reflection and a drunken night contemplating this, I have decided to compile a list of 29 problems I still face at the age of 29 (that many people my age have outgrown and don't have to deal with):

1. I hate grocery shopping, and I only cook actual meals when there's a girl to impress.

This one is pretty typical with guys of all ages, but it's still an issue. I should be doing sufficient grocery shopping, planning out meals, eating in a more healthy fashion and not just getting quick­ meals.

I think most of my dinners are decided while I pound my last beer of the night and decide what will satisfy my inebriated appetite. I eat like a poor college student at least two nights out of every week.

2. My savings account has $1.36 in it.

By the time you're almost 30, you should have something to fall back on so you're not living paycheck to paycheck. I failed miserably at that. I live beyond my means, I invest too much into my passions and I spend too much on my nights out.

When many of my friends are at home with their significant others, transferring money into their savings account and spending a quiet night inside with a movie, I'm taking money from savings in order to spend it recklessly on a ridiculously high bar tab. Buying a house? Haha, I can barely afford house whiskey.

3. I don't feel ready to settle down.

This one bothers me on an emotional level. I don't know too many people who are single at my age and act indifferent about it. Now, coming from a logical perspective, I know I need to settle down. I won't lower my personal standards to do so, though.

I also have a lot of fun flirting with women, having random hookups and not having anyone to answer to. This is a double-edged sword really, as the loneliness can suck, but the freedom is awesome.

4. I still haven't learned to drink responsibly.

I don't think this is too much of a problem, until I see the other almost ­30-year-olds who can go out, have a few, leave at midnight and still remember the night. My nights end when the lights come on and I can't possibly put another dollar on my tab. I've actually had to close out and reopen my tab twice in a night because it got so high the bartender didn't think I would pay it.

In my defense, some of the best memories stem from reckless debauchery, blacked-out memories and spending time in the morning by my porcelain friend. If I wake up and find my keys, wallet and cell phone, I consider the night to be successful.

I go out so often that's become the standard by which I judge things. If I hooked up with someone, even better.

5. I don't understand how to dress like an adult.

I see co-workers who are in khakis, sweater vests and casual dress shoes, who look like the true definition of a professional. I have jeans, a comfortable T-­shirt, a pair of old work boots and bloodshot eyes. I'm not doing the whole “being an adult” thing very well at all.

6. I still drive until my gas light comes on.

This goes right along with how much is in my checking account and my lack of responsibility. How hard is it to make sure you have a quarter to a half tank in your vehicle at almost all times?

For me, it's impossible. I fill up when I know I won't make it somewhere or when that pretty little light tells me to get gas or stop driving. I don't know anyone else my age who is so careless about this.

7. I don't think before I speak.

This has always been a flaw of mine. It's like a perpetual word vomit. I can't help my random vocalizations, which usually include profanity and some misogynistic comment that I don't really mean.

It takes a certain kind of person to understand me and actually embrace this. Most people just think I'm a dick.

8. I'm completely unorganized.

This one sucks. I can never find anything, every room is messy, my truck is like a black hole and I lose important stuff on a weekly basis. How the f*ck am I supposed to do taxes when I can't find my W-­2 forms or my driver's license?

How the f*ck am I supposed to go on vacation when my passport has been missing for, like, nine months? In other words, how the f*ck am I supposed to be an adult?

9. I'm late for everything.

It doesn't matter what I'm doing or where I'm going; I will be late. I don't know why, I don't know how, but at this point, I just accept it.

10. The thought of parenthood frightens me.

You mean to tell me I should one day be responsible for the life of another human being? I can barely remember to feed myself. I have enough trouble picking out my own clothes and looking like a presentable member of society.

I can't be responsible for another life. That is insane. Plus, let's look at my track record: With my karma, if I have a boy, he's going to be a rebellious dipsh*t, and if I have a girl, she's going to be a hot mess.

This is what I'll have coming to me. The only benefit I can see is having them do the dishes. But, I don't know if I could parent well enough to teach them that. I should be neutered.

11. I know teenagers who are more mature than I am.

This is f*cked up. I know teenagers who swear less, save more money, act more respectfully, and are just better human beings than I am. It's sh*t like this that makes me question my life choices.

12. I'm still not entirely positive how to do laundry.

Don't f*cking judge me. I hate laundry.

I know the basic stuff, and I was able to do loads in my old apartment building. The washer had like two buttons, and the dryer had like two buttons. You start f*cking with sh*t like permanent press or delicate loads though, and I am completely lost.

The sad part is, I don't want to learn.

13. I have more dream than drive.

I want to accomplish so much, but the amount of effort I need to put forth is daunting. I'll do it, (begrudgingly, of course), but I would much rather be smoking a joint and watching a movie.

14. I feel like I'm in some sort of age purgatory.

Old enough to know better, but still too young to care? Yeah, I could have gotten away with that in my early to mid-20s for sure, but when you're almost 30 and live like a frat boy (and don't see the issue with it), people don't buy into that line anymore.

Straighten my life out? I can barely straighten my apartment.

15. I get all my news from Facebook.

Watch the news? F*ck that, I'm watching “It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia” or “Shameless.”

I wouldn't even know what channel to watch. FOX? NBC? CNN? That sh*t is confusing.

I'd rather scroll through my News Feed and see what's happening in the world. I'll leave it up to the real adults to inform me.

16. I forget to pay my bills on time.

I never really knew how f*cking impatient people were until I started paying my own bills. Apparently, these companies can't wait a couple extra days for me to pay the minimum balance due, so they tack on more charges, which, in turn, makes me pay it even later.

It's a vicious cycle. Sometimes it's not even that I don't have the money; I am a lazy and forgetful individual.

17. I still think with my dick.

Actually, f*ck this one. This sh*t probably doesn't ever change for guys. It's only a problem if I'm not getting laid.

18. I never outgrew juvenile humor.

A good fart joke or a crude comedy? Yes, please. Just let me smoke this joint first and grab a bag of chips.

19. I can't deal with my problems like an adult.

Rational thinking and logic? Nope.

Talking it out and realizing how to approach a situation in a healthy manner? That's laughable.

It's way easier to drink it away, and it's usually way more fun. At least it's cheaper than therapy.

20. I cannot tie my own tie.

I don't wear them, but on the rare occasion I don't have a choice, I have someone else do it because I do not have any idea how to tie my own tie. I can tie my shoelaces, I can tie a girl up for some fun, kinky sex, but I cannot tie a windsor knot or whatever the f*ck it is to save my life. Am I too old for clip-ons?

21. I find it incredibly difficult to fall asleep before 1 am.

This wouldn't be such an issue if I didn't work at a place that required me to get up at 6:30 am every day. Add this to the fact that I'll still go out during the week at times and have a few, and I have never been a morning person.

It's a f*cking disaster. I look like death for the first few hours of every day. I have friends who can easily pass out at like 10:30 pm, while I may not have even eaten dinner by then.

22. I misplace my keys, wallet or cell phone at least once a month.

This one is a bitch. I thought it would be something I would have really gotten better with by now. It probably goes hand in hand with the irresponsible drinking, but let's not get into that.

I've learned to check my pockets three times before leaving or going anywhere, and it still happens. F*ck my life.

23. I never outgrew my champagne taste, and I still make beer money.

When you're in your early 20s, there's no such thing as budgeting or living within your means. You get money, you spend money and you complain about being broke for a few days. Rinse and repeat.

This goes on for years, buying the stuff you want and not really thinking about what you can actually afford comfortably without emptying your checking account. I still do this sh*t because I am a moron.

24. I can tell you more about Kanye West than I can about anyone who is running for president.

I feel like I should probably pay more attention to the people who could potentially be running the country in which I live. Or I should at least know about the puppet that's used by whoever is really in charge.

Either way, I don't know sh*t. I read things on occasion, and I have an idea of who I'd vote for only because of a couple of issues that pertain to me (legalized marijuana mostly).

On the other hand, I can tell you what song Kanye wrote for what album, can quote some of his best lyrics and can explain the uncharted depth he has that is lost on an average consumer. He's just an example; I can do the same for Jay ­Z, Eminem, Biggie Smalls, etc. This is probably not how it should be.

25. I actually believe pizza is the perfect food group.

Honestly, who can argue this? Let's look at the nutrients: If you get sausage on there, you have a good balance of protein, fat and carbs.

I don't give a flying f*ck about gluten or the glycemic index. I just want this sh*t to taste good.

26. I still think it's cool to be obnoxious.

I don't even know why this is a problem, but I was told it is. I don't see why the f*ck age should factor into whether or not I get really drunk, yell obscenities, bump into tables, insult strangers and end up in front of a toilet.

Maybe I didn't get the chance to get it all out of my system when I was younger. Maybe I'm just an assh*le. But what gives anyone the right to tell me I shouldn't still act how I want to act?

27. I don't consider myself a “grownup.”

When I'm being honest with myself, I'm more like a man­-child than anything. Read above for proof of this.

28. I'd rather go to a college party than a cocktail party.

They're both going to serve booze, but one I can show up in a T-­shirt and jeans, do keg stands and find girls who still think the ability to pound alcohol is cool. I don't even drink cocktails; I drink whiskey and beer. I can't fit in at some uppity function, and I don't want to.

29. I didn't even consider any of these to be problems.

For the most part, I still don't. I don't need to pretend to be anything I'm not, and I have the rest of my f*cking life to act more mature. I like the beat that I march to, even if I'm marching alone.

So, for other people getting up there in their 20s, take this into consideration: If I didn't exude youth, I would pretty much consider myself middle-aged. If you judge me for this article, you may be eligible for Medicare.