Guille Faingold

Why I F*cking Hate April Fools' Day

On April 1, 2004, I pulled my first April Fools' prank. My cousin Caroline and I are at our other cousin Carlene's house. We decided it would be hilarious to convince her that the lotion on her nightstand was actually edible. When Carlene walked back into the room, we got to work on convincing her.

“OH MY GOSH! You have grapefruit-flavored lotion?! That's the most YUMMY kind!” Caroline, our ringleader, exclaimed.

Carlene was skeptical.

“What do you mean, 'yummy'? Have you guys tasted it? Isn't that gross?”

“You've never TASTED lotion? Are you kidding? Loser!” I said, deciding to chime in with some classic peer pressure.

“OK, fine. If you guys looooove lotion so much, why don't you eat it!?” Carlene said.

Caroline was not messing around with this prank. She took a huge dollop into her mouth and convinced us all she just scarfed it down (I'm pretty sure she held it under her tongue for an indefinite amount of time until she spat it somewhere). Carlene was convinced.

“So you guys really like this stuff?”

“Yeah, we love it!” we said, in too-perfect unison.

And there she went. She took a big old spoonful of lotion and scarfed it right on down. It was disgusting and maybe poisonous. And the expression of absolute repulsion on her face reflected that perfectly.

“APRIL FOOLS',” we exclaimed excitedly.

Caroline was dying with laughter. And I can't lie -- I got a laugh out of it as well. But my guilt over embarrassing the cousin I LOVE -- not to mention having her ingest something that made her so obviously sick -- outweighed the cheap laugh. And that's when I knew: I don't like April Fools' Day.

Last year, I get pranked BIG time. April 1, 2015 was a long day for me. I was a senior in college and was, to be honest, very hungover. But I had a job interview to go to followed by a three-hour-long seminar and then a four-hour shift at the preschool I worked at. I was tired and in no mood to be April Fool-ed.

What did my roommates do while I was gone all day? They spent the day turning our house into a total prank zone. When I walked through the front door, I became covered in Scotch tape. I walked through every other door in our entire home and got even more Scotch tape all over me. I went to the bathroom and found a massive load of fake poop in our toilet. I went to my room and got locked in with a Febreeze bomb. It was TORTURE.

Yes, I get that it was funny, but OTHER THINGS ARE FUNNY, TOO. Like, things that don't involve TORTURING your loved ones when they are hungover and exhausted.

And today, it happened AGAIN. I'm currently at work, and Kevin, my friend and co-worker, is nowhere to be seen. We get lunch every day, and Friday is our favorite day to get lunch because that's when Eataly, the restaurant next door, has their DELICIOUS meatball special. We're texting back and forth, and he says he's super hungover and running late but that he'll be there for Meatball Friday. PHEW.

Then I get another text from Kevin: “Candice, I'm so sorry, I tried to make it but I'm too hungover … it's just not going to happen.”

I'm not gonna lie, you guys -- I was really upset. It's been a long week, and I'm not thrilled to be here at work, but at least I had my delicious Italian-flavored silver lining to my cloud of a week. And YES, I am an independent woman who could just get meatballs on my own, but how could I live with that guilt of getting meatballs behind my friend's back?!

So I sat in pure agony, weighing out the pros and cons of going alone to Eataly, when Kevin suddenly walked through the office door and shouted, "APRIL FOOLS'!"

F*ck this “holiday.”

April Fools' jokes are mean. I LOVE myself a good joke. But NOT when it banks on taking advantage of someone who trusts you and cares about you. Because that's literally what it is, right? Someone trusts your word and you take advantage of that trust to “fool” them.

Yeah, it's funny. But it's a cheap laugh. I'm not a fan. Never have been, NEVER WILL BE.