Duck You, Autocorrect: Why I Really F*cking Hate Texting

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I f*cking hate texting.

I know, I know... I’m a writer! I should love being able to use words -- the medium of which I consider myself to be an expert -- as my primary means of communication.

But I don’t. Because I’m not trying to write an entire ARTICLE to you in order to figure out where we are going for dinner, and I don’t want to go through an entire EDITING PROCESS with everyone I know to figure out whether I am going to text you “hey” or “heyy,” and I’m not trying to thoroughly read the ESSAY you just sent me when I just want to enjoy the people I’m with IRL.

When I say I hate texting, I don’t mean it in a cool, ironic way. I mean it in a serious way. I find texting to be a monumental, colossal, terrible waste of time. Here’s why.

I hate the inherent expectation that I’m available to chat at literally all times.

Having our phones on us at all times has led to the expectation that we can also text all the time. Unfortunately, I HAVE A LIFE. Being there for you constantly at all hours of the day is just not an option.

I hate autocorrect.

No, I don’t “ducking hate that butch.” I will never “ducking hate that butch,” no matter how much autocorrect tries to convince me that was what I was trying to say.

What I was trying to say is I F*CKING HATE THAT BITCH. So let me say it.

I hate how much thought goes into every text.

Should I say “hey"? Or wait, how about “heyy”? No. No. “Hi”? Ugh. Let me just send a group text to 30 of my closest friends and see what they think.

I hate how nobody actually says what he or she wants to say.

Hey, ​I just wanted to tell you how I feel. My feelings for you are scaring me, and I just wanted to say I loveyou.

I hate how much effort it takes to type.

It takes so much more effort for me to type out an entire, detailed account of my date for you than it would for me to just tell you over the phone in a few minutes.

I hate investing hours in a text conversation that could have happened in no time on the phone.

Your friend: “Want to get lunch?”

You, an hour later: “Sure!”

Your friend, 20 minutes later: “Cool! Where do you want to go?”

You, an hour later: “Whole Foods?”

Your friend, an hour later: “I had Whole Foods yesterday. Want to go somewhere else?”

Look at that. You just wasted three hours and 20 minutes of your life and are no closer to solidifying a plan.

This is so inefficient, you guys. Just call the person and figure this sh*t out in less than one minute.

I hate being able to relive every conversation over and over again.

You can’t go back and read through the transcripts of your drunk in-person encounter with your ex last night. You can, however, read the 37 consecutive text messages you sent for him to “cum over nowwwwwwww.”

I hate reading people’s essays.

Only thing worse than typing an essay is reading someone else’s.

I hate playing detective to try to figure out what you really mean.

There’s nothing that makes me feel more ridiculous and idiotic than trying to figure out if you said “k” because you want me to die or because you were running out of time. I didn’t do well enough on the critical reading portion of the SATs for this sh*t.

I hate not knowing who actually authored the message I just received.

If you are anything like me, you are never the true author of any text message of importance you type. Did YOU just send me this kind apology, or was this carefully crafted with the help of your best friend, your mother and your sister?

I hate having no privacy whatsoever with what I’m saying.

I hate overthinking what I have to send, but how can I NOT when I know you can very well screenshot anything and everything I send you and send it to God knows who?!

I hate trying to decipher people’s poor grammar.

As much as I hate autocorrect, I hate reading through people’s grammatical errors even more. Especially people I went to school with.

Stop making our high school English teacher, Mr. Lippi, look bad. Use proper punctuation.

I hate having to censor myself.

I’m so worried about who you’re going to screenshot this conversation to or how my “k” is going to be misconstrued that I’m constantly censoring everything I write.

I hate how rude it makes me and everybody around me seem.

Everybody expects me to be on my phone all the time, so, naturally I'm on my phone all the time... as is everybody else. So when I finally get together with someone IRL, the two of us sit together glued to our phones like nobody has ever taught us any sort of manners ever.

I hate how much room there is for error.

I accidentally send the screenshot I took of our conversation to YOU instead of my GroupMe, and suddenly, I’m exposed for the creepy psycho I really am.

I hate being forced to engage in stupid, useless conversations that are going NOWHERE.

“Hey, whats up?” HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT STUPID QUESTION, AND HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY CARE ABOUT WHAT I HAVE TO RESPOND TO THAT?!!?!?

I hate that, a lot of the time, I would still rather text than talk on the phone.

And here’s the worst, most embarrassing part of it all: When it comes down to it, I still find myself often preferring a text to a phone call.

Classic Millennial.