Partying is a funny thing. You do it too much, and people are constantly telling you how you need to re-evaluate your life and get your sh*t together.
You don't do it enough, and people are suddenly calling you boring and treating you like some sort of social leper who is physically incapable of having fun.
I used to party a lot. I still love to party. But I recently realized that I love to sit in bed and watch Netflix a bit more than I love to party. Every once in a while partying is great, but it honestly just takes so much energy.
Like, you are seriously telling me I need to stay out until four in the morning and then spend the next day trying to avoid what must be my quickly-approaching death... only to do it all over again THAT NIGHT?! I simply just cannot.
I tried to party on Friday night. You know what happened? Well, I can't not tell you. But it's now Monday, and I am typing this article with nine fingers because I mysteriously sprained my ring finger.
This would have never been an issue if I'd followed my heart and sat in bed for a nice, relaxing binge of "Parks and Rec."
But you know what happens when I tell my friends that I would rather sit in bed and watch Tom Haverford and Donna Meagle treat themselves than go ham at da clubz? They take it personally. They get upset. They take it as a personal attack on them.
The thing about partying a lot is that it ends up defining you. When I loved to party, that was who I was.
When I don't feel like pounding tequila shots on a Tuesday night, my friends get confused.
Who am I, and what have I done with their fun-loving, chronically f*cked-up, down-for-whatever bestie?
I know this isn't just the case with me. It is a problem all reformed (okay, still typing with nine fingers, so not quite "reformed," but you get the picture) partiers face.
Our friends don't mean to annoy the sh*t out of us. They do this only because they love us and they miss us. Honestly, our new tame lifestyle probably annoys the sh*t out of them.
So instead of accepting that we genuinely mean it when we say that we would rather gouge our eyes out than hit the clubs tonight, they try to do everything in their power to get us out with them -- or even worse, get to the bottom of why it is we've stopped being so fun. Here are 55 things all of us former partiers cannot stand to hear anymore.
1. “But you used to be so fun!”
2. “It's only 9:00.”
3. “Tequila shot?”
4. “Last night was SO fun.”
5. “...Like, seriously. You would have loved it.”
6.“Just come for a little.”
7. “You're such a lightweight now.”
8. “You used to be such a tank.”
9. “Is that… water?”
10. Our phones vibrating with live updates of irrelevant gossip at 3 am.
11. “You're going to regret this.”
12. “We just feel like you keep bailing on us.”
13. “This could potentially be the best night of your life.”
14. “If this were last year, you would've gone.”
15. “You're boring.”
16. “You look fine!”
17. “Aren't you scared of becoming irrelevant?”
18. “This is Candice — she used to be fun.”
19. “Let's get blacked.”
20. “How are you drunk already…?”
21. “Are you seriously hungover?”
22. “How are you still tired?”
23. “It's gonna be so fun.”
24. “But how are you going to get f*cked up with just beer?”
25. “Did you just puke?! It was ONE shot.”
26. “What would you do instead of going out?”
27. “Do it for the story.”
28. “You've changed.”
29. “Are you okay?”
30. “No, you cannot wear your Snuggie out.”
31. “I think you're going through something.”
32. “You're going to miss out.”
33. “You're in a rut.”
34. “OMG, [insert name of random bitch you don't care about] was there last night. You would have DIED.”
35. “OMG, [insert name of random guy you made out with blacked out three years ago] was there last night. You would have DIED.”
36. “It's seriously going to be so fun.”
37. “Don't be one of those boring 'relationship people.'”
38. “You're uptight.”
39. “How are you ever going to meet someone if you never go out?”
40. “You're lazy.”
41. “You haven't gotten any since the Vietnam War.”
42. “…Greg will be there. Do it for your libido.”
43. “Don't make excuses.”
44. “You got enough sleep last night.”
45. “You got paid last week!!”
46. “I'll pay for your drinks.”
47. “It's just because we love you."
48. “It's no fun without you.”
49. “You might meet the love of your life tonight.”
50. “You need to get out of this slump.”
51. “When did you turn 95?”
52. “We miss you!!”
53. “Oh, so if you're not drinking … can you drive us?”
54. “You haven't been out since forever.”
55. “You can't spend another night in bed watching Netflix. It's pathetic.” Bitch, why can't I?