8 Things That Will Forever Stop Me From Becoming An Adult


It doesn't matter how many years keep passing by. It doesn't matter how many notches I keep adding to my bedpost. It doesn't matter how many mornings I will spend in a state of hungover agony. I will always be a little girl at heart.

I've noticed that the more I grow up, the more I want to grow "down." Part of young adulthood is learning about the responsibilities of older adulthood, and much like ending the party at 10 pm, it's no fun.

I will keep getting older, but it doesn't mean that I have to stop being a kid. I will deny adulthood like a child denies spinach for dinner. I will slap it in the face and kick it away until it sucks me up like one of those industrial-powered vacuums. I don't want to be a “real” adult. Here are eight things that will forever keep me from adulting:

1. I will always want my mom when I'm sick.

You know what's the worst? Going to the store by yourself to buy juice and crackers and almost passing out in aisle 10. I don't even bother checking my temperature anymore, mainly because I don't have a thermometer. Moms always have thermometers. It was Mom who used to hold my hair when I vomited, and now I just have my ponytail.

2. I hate shaving.

Shaving is so exhausting. Somehow, I went from just getting the hair on my head trimmed to now having to trim my whole body. It's worse than doing laundry and taking out the trash combined.

Who wants to spend time sliding a razor across their delicate lady bits? Whatever happened to fine hair follicles on baby-soft skin? Now, my mind is haunted by thoughts of rough stubble, razor bumps and unaffordable laser hair removal.

3. It sucks to get the mail.

It used to be so much fun to get mail. I used to get postcards from my grandma and grandpa and cards filled with money for my birthday. Now, it's like 90 percent bills and 10 percent advertisements.

You want how much for heating? Does is really cost that much to stay warm? Isn't that like a necessary human need? I used to check the mailbox every day. Now, I check it about every two weeks.

4. I still don't like monsters.

They used to hide under my bed when I was sleeping, and now they're everywhere I go. There are so many more monsters in the world now. My personal favorites are STIs, assh*les, mold in the shower, expensive things and oh yeah, bills.

5. I will always believe in mermaids.

Mermaids are real. There is a species of human-fish that live under the water and wear seashells on their boobs. If there isn't, I'm not sure what to believe about the world anymore.

6. I also believe in Prince Charming.

He's so charming, and one day, he's going to show up at my doorstep with a big bouquet of flowers and a very cute puppy. We will look at the stars under a very big telescope and take a first class flight to Bali. He will never cheat on me or tell me that I need to calm down, and he will always do the dishes.

7. Cooking is just not a thing anymore.

I am a huge fan of the hot foods bar at grocery stores and food that can go in the microwave. I don't think it's particularly necessary to buy food that needs to be defrosted and then poked, seasoned and baked. I mean, what the hell am I going to do with an entire shaker of steak seasoning? I probably won't use it again for at least another six months.

8. I don't think it's wrong to have a stuffed animal.

I may or may not have a very large bear that sleeps in my bed every night. I wrap his teddy bear arms around my tummy before I fall asleep. He is a great big spoon. Sometimes, I think about hiding him when people come over, but then I think, “Nah, I'm just going to make these b*tches jealous.”

I am not in denial. I am a little girl, and I will always be a little girl.