F*ck Hard, Get Famous And Die Pretty With The New C-Diet
Atkins? No. Gluten-Free? Never. Grapefruit Diet? Not even close.
To keep that chic New York physique, only the C-Diet works. It's the live-and-die-by diet du jour of these United States, and most don't even recognize it: coffee, cardio, carbs, cabs, cash, cupcakes, cocktails, champagne, cannabis, cigarettes and cocaine.
It's not only in God, but also in C, we trust. Let's cycle through the alliterative, six C regimens:
1. The Spirit Cs: Coffee, Cardio, Carbs and Cigarettes
These Cs are the lifeblood of every waking day. Strip us of one and there's hell to pay, especially if morning coffee is the one to go. Their order of importance isn't strict, but more of a taste-by-taste basis.
Frankly, I love my carbs -- pizza, donuts, fries -- but, therein lies the need for its cardio counterpart, which I abhor. If you're smart, put coffee above carbs and serious cardio can be skipped.
If, now, you're a smoker, cardio and carbs have long left your schedule, making coffee and cigarettes your true two. Not the healthiest choice, but if this dynamic duo fuels your day-to-day, life's clearly too fast to trouble with the rest.
It's all in which devil you choose to dance with, so live wisely.
2. The Scene Cs: Champagne, Cocktails and Charcuterie
Chocked full of the nightly essentials for a healthy C-Diet, these are the Cs you truly work for, as no day is complete without them.
Cocktails to unwind from the drudgery that is employment; champagne to celebrate being with the ones you like; charcuterie to feign eating something with sustenance. Combined, they make for a well-balanced evening.
The Scene Cs, though, are strictly to ingest post-6pm, unless it's a weekend brunch. Taken too early and you're dabbling in danger.
Skipped entirely and it's quite evident you're a day-dieter. But, enjoyed daily between 6 and 9pm and you're headed in the right direction to your ideal self.
Your before-and-after photos will shock!
3. The Cheat Cs: Cronuts, Cupcakes and Cheesecakes
Your Cheat Cs are once-a-week pleasures. Let me stress the once a week part.
Too many cronuts, cupcakes or cheesecakes and you're looking at doubling up on cardio, thereby unbalancing all your "hard" work.
Really, you could skip the Cheat Cs, but the C-Diet isn't really about behaving, is it? It's about keeping composure while flirting with fire. And, every diet comes with cheat days. I suggest Wednesday; it lightens up the otherwise dismal day.
Not to mention, Thursday is a teaser to Friday so you're going to, delicately, dabble in the Scene Cs (perhaps, your Treat Cs, too), so whatever you gain Wednesday will be rightly burned away within 24 hours, making it the perfect cheat day.
4. The Treat Cs: Cannabis, Cocaine and Carnality
Although supplemental, these are the cherry in your Manhattan, the treat du jour for all your strict dieting.
Typically taken in twos, cannabis, cocaine and carnality pair perfectly with your Scene Cs to capitulate the eve – not to mention, the most pleasurable way to pare those pesky pounds.
Of course, like any other treat, tread with caution. It's a fine line to balance. When done right, it's a stroke of mastery, but when done wrong, it'll end up being a mess.
Experts suggest consulting a diet coach early on in helping to calibrate your intake. Keep your Connection Cs plenty nourished, as these help obtain your Treat Cs.
5. The Connection Cs: Cell, Computer, Cash/Credit and Car/Cab
Your Connection Cs are the lifestyle limbs of the C-Diet — limbs because we all know what it's like to lose one. Cell and computer are your right and left arms, keeping everyone and everything in reach.
Cash and Car (and their GMO cousins, Credit and Cabs) are your legs, getting you from where you are to where you want to be.
To keep happy and healthy, remain equally nourished with all. If you lose one, you'll grow it back; if you lose two, you'll limp, but if you lose all three, your social calendar will go from dinner and wine in SoHo to whoring for horse on Skid Row.
So, stick with C, and believe you me, your life will be one of endless envy!
6. The Dishonorable Cs: Crystal Meth, Crack and Candy Crush
Don't even try to rationalize it. Just don't.