Being drunk is kinda weird, isn't it? You ingest this liquid poison that suddenly
turns you into a loopy idiot. You go from a somewhat normal person with, you know, inhibitions and filters to a wild FREAK.
And you do this regularly. Across the globe, there are plenty of people,
including myself, who are regularly turning into total freakazoids.
Probably not the healthiest lifestyle. But it makes for some FANTASTIC stories -- like the time I decided to show up to a swanky P. Diddy-style white party in a full-body lion suit. Or the time I told a boy I barely knew that I loved him, mistaking him for my (female) best friend. Or there was the time I walked through the Taco Bell drive-thru and ordered a Doritos Locos Taco, three Crunchwrap Supremes, one giant Pepsi and three Cinnabon donut holes. When I went home, I ate all this and then some random kid's leftover nachos. The list goes on.
So, I decided to make myself feel better about my poor life choices and also to provide you guys with some DELIGHTFUL entertainment, I'd ask for some more fun stories. I asked, and I RECEIVED. Read and rejoice.
When you were willing to do ANYTHING for some Taco Bell… “My best friend from home came to visit and went out with me and all of my guy friends. When we got back home, one of the guys texted me that he was into her. I told him he could have her if he brought me some Taco Bell. Yes, that's right. I tried to trade my best friend for Taco Bell.”
When you underestimated the security at the venue… “I was feeling nostalgic my senior year of college, so I decided to visit my old freshman dorm one night after the bars. I was with my good guy friend who had graduated a few years before. After a few unsuccessful attempts of trying to have sex in the stairwell and in a floor lounge, we decided to take the elevator down and go home. There are cameras in the elevator, and I felt the urge to flash the camera and yell some profanities.
Turns out, my school's campus security is more resourceful than I thought, and they called me the next day. I can't look at any campus safety officer in the eye anymore because they'd all seen my boobs.”
When you become a low-key thief… “One time I got wasted and went to this frat house and stole all of the condiments from their refrigerator. BBQ sauce. Ranch. Honey mustard. Salsa. Mayo. I put them all into my clothes and ran around my college campus with them. I also stole a clock on their wall because it had a duck on it.
I woke up at my house surrounded by the sauce bottles, as if they were some weird shrine. The duck clock was hanging on my wall. I ended up making a sandwich with the BBQ sauce, and then my sober friend picked me up to see Twilight. Best movie ever when you're blackout. I still have that duck clock.”
When you were feeling a little CHEESY… “One time I was drunk and stole an entire cheese wheel on a boat. It was Brie.”
When you just, like, hung out with a hooker… “I got so drunk once I when I was walking home alone, and there was a hooker on the street walking too, so I asked her how much an hour was, and she said $40. So I said "sure," and we just got ice cream for a hour and talked about life and she helped me get a cab and go home at the end of it. I think she appreciated it?”
When you decided now would be a good time to activate your credit card… “I went out with some friends to a gay club until 3 am, got in a fight with a cabbie who let me out on MacDougal Street. I had just opened my first credit card and decided to get a third tattoo at 3 am with said credit card, which wasn't activated yet, so I had to call AmEx to allow the charge to go through at 4 am ... drunk at a tattoo parlor in the Village.”
When your maternal instincts came out in the weirdest possible way… “I once got really hammered and went out with my cousins. The three of us have a tendency to be extra weird when we're drunk together. For whatever reason they have a dildo that they whip out all the time when we're f*cked up, and I ended up blacking out and being very protective of it. Fell asleep holding it. It was kind of tragic but also kind of epic.”
When you went right back to your old routine… “I was blacked out one night with some friends. I told them to hold my things while I went outside to go get some air. Instead of 'getting air,' I got in a cab and told it to take me to my best friend from high school's parents' home in the suburbs.
Mind you, SHE LIVES IN OREGON — SHE WAS NOT HOME. I had the cab drop me off there (no idea how I paid for it, since I left my wallet with my friends at the bar) and snuck in through the sliding kitchen door just like we used to do in high school. Then I just hopped right into bed with her little sister who, needless to say, was VERY confused.
Oh, also, her dad caught me breaking into their home, and I just said, 'It's fine, Tim. I'm here to see Caroline.' Caroline, my best friend's little sister, whose bed I was about to crawl into. I am a creep.”
When you balled out on microwaveable pizzas… “After unknowingly drinking Everclear, I wandered in to the local Circle K and purchased all the microwaveable Tony's pizzas.”
When you were JUST TRYING TO BE FLIRTY… “Freshman year of college I decided the best way to impress my very masculine and very hot frat-boy crush would be to enter a peeing contest with him. Despite my friends begging me not to do it while blacked out, I led him to adjoining shower stalls and insisted we see who could pee farther. Him being a man with a penis, he was able to hit the opposing wall with his urine. Me being a woman with a vagina, my steady yellow stream landed straight into my navy Lululemon leggings.
After completely urinating myself, my friends were finally able to drag me -- bare-assed -- back to my room and put me to bed. But a couple months later I made out with my crush, so I must have sort of impressed him, right?”
When you just like really needed to find your phone… “My friend had to tell me this story when I woke up the next morning. Apparently we ran into her ex and his friends at the bar, and they were all yelling at her while I was off somewhere else (judging by how little I remember, probably drinking more).
I finally came over and demanded that they all stop yelling. She ASSUMED that I was going to jump to her rescue, as a normal best friend would do in such a situation. No -- instead, I just asked if anyone had seen my phone. It was in my hand.”
When you didn't feel like paying with regular money… “One time when I was drunk I made out with a worker at a burrito place to get a free quesadilla. I think he got fired.”
When you found other means of paying cover… “One time I baked brownies and brought them to the bar because I was wasted and fed the bouncers the brownies to get into the bar without having to pay cover.”
When you just sort of decided to fake a disability… “I was on vacation with all of my friends. We obviously end up getting hammered one night, and I end up lost in the hotel. Next thing I know I'm at the front desk telling the lady I'm blind and need to be guided back to our room. My friends woke up to a call from the front desk lady saying their 'blind friend' was with her and they don't need to worry; she was guiding me back up to the room.”
When you puked and rallied like a champ… “I threw up in my hand at Squid Roe in Cabo and put it in my purse and kept dancing. People were pointing.”
When you found new and innovative ways to stay fueled during your hookup… “One time I was so drunk I followed a guy to his place because he said he had bagels. When I got there, I ate all of his roommate's trail mix and then we made out while I held two mini bagels in both of my hands and took bites in between our kisses.”
When you just were trying to be one of the guys…
“I was in college and decided it would be cool to challenge all of the frat boys across the street to a pull-up competition. I lost.”
When you have a little bit of a false alarm… “One time, my friend and I were wasted in a bar. We went to the bathroom together and ended up crying and confessing our deepest secrets to each other. The bar closed because we were in there for so long, and they had to kick us out because we were the last people.
We walked down the street and I noticed her entire face was black -- it looked like she was bruised from being punched in the face. We were both blackout, and I asked her if someone hit her, and she started crying more because she was like "OMG WHO HIT ME," and I started crying more because I thought she didn't feel comfortable telling me who hit her. So we're on the street crying in each others arms until 5 am.
And then we go home and when we wake up we realize it was just smeared eyeliner all over her face.”
When you were just kind of creepy… “One time I drunkenly thought it would be HILARIOUS to run up to complete strangers and scream, 'OMG, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!' while I smothered them with hugs.”
When you became a legend… “One time I climbed into a food truck and they let me help prepare the food and then I spent like three hours trying to convince them to drive me home. Now they have a sandwich named after me.”
*Name has been changed.