Why It's Morally Wrong To Have A Dog In The City

by Lauren Martin

We all love dogs; that's not the issue here. The issue here is that you clearly don't love dogs if you decide to house one in the city. Don't get me wrong; we all wish we could come home to a happy pooch, ready to shower us with love and affection. We all wish we could go to bed next to the soft, warm body of our loyal companion.

We all wish we could take a pup for walks through Washington Square Park and tie it next to our table while we enjoy a coffee and croissant. We all wish we could take it to the dog parks and running with us when it's nice enough to jog along the Hudson. However, that's a dream; it's not real life.

Real life is keeping your dog locked up in your apartment for eight hours every day. Real life is trying to scrape up as much sh*t off the sidewalk as possible while your doorman stares at you. Real life is keeping your neighbors awake because your dog won't stop barking at every tenant that dares to ascend the stairs. Real life is having to buy your dog shoes because the concrete streets of the urban jungle are too cold and hard for its tiny paws.

We semi-rational citizens understand that having a dog in the city verges on cruel behavior that is just downright inhumane. What people with dogs in the city don't seem to understand is that the dog-less don't look at you with envy, but rather, with judgment and scorn. You're like that kid in lecture class who gets up to leave class early, pissing the professor off in the process -- doing what every single one of us wishes we could do, but we don't because it's just disrespectful. You're not cooler or bolder because you did what everyone really wants to do; you're just an assh*le.

I will make the distinction that small dogs aren't on the same level as big dogs; small dogs can at least stretch out in your 500-square-foot apartment. I will also make the distinction that the sh*t of a little dog doesn't take up half the sidewalk.

So, for anyone thinking about getting a dog, buying your girlfriend a dog as a surprise, or for those who already own one, here are all the reasons it's morally wrong to have a dog in the city:

They've never run for the mailman.

They don't know that fresh air really doesn't smell like hot dogs and gasoline.

They have to sh*t in front of hundreds of people.

They have to wipe their ass on concrete.

They'll never know what "barking up a tree" is really like.

They're exposed to too much, too early… just like city kids.

They're lucky if they ever leave the island.

They don't know what backyards are.

They've never chased a squirrel.

They're neurotic from all the tenants walking through the building.

They can't run away without being run over.

They wake up everyone with their barking.

All the other dogs are pretentious New York dogs.

They've never jumped into a leaf pile that didn't have a fire hydrant hiding under it.

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