7 Reasons Why Eating Salad For Lunch Is Literally The Worst

by Charlotte Phillips

I don’t know about you, but I think about food a lot. Like, I go to bed thinking about breakfast, and before I’ve eaten it, I’m thinking about lunch.

Lunch becomes a massive deal because it’s your breath of fresh air from work and something you look forward to for hours.

When you get lunch wrong, it’s devastating.

But, as a girl, while I would love to eat something deep fried in cheese and chocolate (or about eight burritos), these habits often lead to #foodguilt.

So, invariably, I go for salad.

And it nearly always sucks.

Here are things that are literally the worst about eating salad for lunch.

There’s always a long line.

I’ve put significant thought into this. A lot of people I see in this country are fat, and surely you get fat by eating lots of junk food. And yet, bizarrely, Chopt on Madison and 23rd has a line that snakes out the door, while Baked by Melissa is empty.

When you have limited amount of time, spending it waiting for the idiot in front to pick from Spa Caesar or Tex-Mex Ranch is too painful for words.

Life’s too short.

Having just started work, I’m becoming painfully aware of how much of life is spent in an office. Life can be reductive and repetitive as it is. Why make it worse with an unexciting meal every day?

This is the land of the cronut, of bagels and truffle fries. We’re the YOLO generation! Shouldn’t we start treating lunchtime as our own personal "Man Versus Food"?

It’s more expensive than other lunch foods.

I saw a sign the other day, advertising that $2 could get you two slices of pizza and a soda. I was in shock, and there must be a catch because my two daily coffees each cost nearly double that.

I also had a $7 yogurt this morning, so I’m confused. But, $2 pizza and soda would make me happy, whereas my $18 salad makes my taste buds and bank balance a little sad.

It’s not filling.

Yes, before you ask, I eat all of it. The idea of leaving food on my plate makes me feel more nauseated than any amount of eating could. So after finishing every last shred of spinach, I initially feel so full, it’s actually gross.

Bloated and uncomfortable and kind of sloshy. Three and half minutes later, I’m literally stomach-growling starving and eating random cereal bars back in the office. I really don’t know how or why this happens, but it totally sucks.

You overcompensate with other foods.

This follows on from the point above. After feeling virtuous with a salad for lunch, I feel smug and entitled to make bad food choices the rest of the day.

Like, the (teeny) mathematical side of my brain knows that salad for lunch and fries for a snack and pasta for dinner makes no sense at all. But the side that wins out is the one saying, “but I had SALAD for lunch!”

Although, salad isn’t always healthy.

Sure, it sounds healthy. Plus, it’s green, the color of superfoods! And kale! Did I mention there was kale? But admit it, you know when you’re having a fat salad.

We’ve all done it -- ordered a salad full of blue cheese, parmesan, croutons and full-fat Ranch. There’s no calorie count on it, so you can trick yourself. But be real. You know the girl two seats away who always eats mozzarella paninis and dessert, and you wonder how? Yeah, she’s consuming way less saturated fat and far fewer calories than you.

It is so boring.

It just is. Even eating it is boring and gets so repetitive. The other week, I went for lunch with my mother and she was sooo excited for this one particular salad (it did have avocado and halloumi, but still...) and it made me hate her because really, who cares about salad? There’s a limited repertoire of salad toppings.

You always think a fun addition like whole-wheat croutons will be more exciting than it actually is. Same goes for when Chopt does its seasonal variations – they sound cool, but are invariably a total letdown. In fact, it was always going to be a letdown when its artisanal offering is charred broccoli.

On that note, I'm off to pick up a salad.