How I Learned To Take Beauty From The Surface Of My Pain

by Meghan Breitner

I grew up wanting to please everyone.

I wanted to be that happy-go-lucky girl who looked like she had it all together.

I wanted to be that girl with such a positive outlook in life, it inspired others to see the world differently.

I ended up being exactly the person I wanted to be.

I was mostly a big ball of happiness, with energy that exuded through my fingertips. I was outgoing, loved to make people smile and looked out for everyone else’s happiness.

I never wanted to see anyone sad; I wanted to help everyone feel beautiful.

I wanted to help them see what great milestones they were able to achieve on their own.

I wanted them to notice what great amenities they could offer this world. I wanted to help them find immense and absolute happiness in even the smallest things.

I found it easy as both a child and teenager to view life positively, and I learned at a young age to find the sun on even the darkest days.

If there wasn’t a light at the end of the tunnel, I would surely find a way to create one.

As I grew older, I started to realize life wasn’t all rainbows. It not only rains sometimes, it pours. I found myself searching intently for my younger self: the girl who once radiated happiness.

I lost friends. I failed myself at times. I disappointed my parents. I fell in love and got my heart shattered to pieces.

Yet, through all this agony, I continued fighting the depression that insisted on opening the door into my life.

The happiness I once embodied was gone. I faked a smile and forced my feelings to the side, ignoring any sense of sadness, grief or pain my heart was bruising with.

I didn’t want to show I was hurting because I wanted to be invincible.

When I was presented with something that ripped or tore my heart to pieces, I wouldn’t let my exterior show it. I was broken inside from years of hurt, but would never let another soul see.

I saw people who sank deeper and deeper into pits of sadness, and thought if I let myself grieve, I would lose any sense of true happiness I once had.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I continued avoiding any true feeling my mind encountered. I just pretended it wasn’t there. I pushed and shoved these emotions, until I finally couldn’t anymore.

The walls I had built for years came crashing down in what seemed like an instant. It seemed as if all the demons I had been fighting for years had finally caught up with me.

There were days I felt emotionless, and days I felt an incredible force of melancholy for no reason.

I suddenly decided finding happiness was a chore. I searched high and low, but sometimes, it wasn’t enough.

I finally became exhausted with wanting to control my every emotion. That’s when I ultimately found pure acceptance within myself.

It took me years of battling my own emotions to finally let my guard down. In order to find peace with my mind, I had to be true to my heart.

I thought being sad made me weak and crying was a sign of failure. I didn’t know how to cope with grief.

I never truly overcame painful obstacles I had encountered in the past because I never gave them the attention they needed in order to move on and find closure.

Not only is being sad needed in order to live a healthy life, it’s also normal to recognize both high and low moods.

While I once viewed crying as the ultimate form of weakness, I now find beauty in it. Tears help remove toxins from our life, and crying has been proven to lower stress.

I now know it’s perfectly okay to be sad. It’s actually a powerful feeling. It's great to be able to let your mind flow freely.

There’s beauty in all aspects of life, even pain.

While being happy makes life easier, faking a smile only ends up bruising your heart more in the long run.

Learn to find the positivity that comes with the hard parts of life. We wouldn’t find strength if it weren’t for weakness.

We wouldn’t know true happiness if it weren’t for pain.