The Evolution Of The Hipster: A Timeline Of A Child's Transition Into Hipsterdom

by Joe Welkie

Hipsters are now a part of our society, but it seems like these days, you can’t go anywhere without seeing a waxed mustache and flannel shirt. Where are they coming from? What transforms a regular average Joe into a full-blown hipster?

Let’s examine a sample life timeline and discover when exactly things go downhill; check out the evolution of a hipster:

Age 1-4 – Not much was going on for the baby hipster. This was where we all start, not knowing sh*t about anything and being completely dependent on our parents for literally everything. No discernible hipster tendencies yet exist.

Age 5-8 – The young hipster started to understand more things. He began listening to music that his parents liked and believed anything his parents said. Why yes, Santa Claus IS real, Led Zeppelin is the best band ever and $5 is definitely a lot of money. Also, girls still had cooties.

Age 9-10 – The young hipster is exposed to the likes of ‘N Sync and the Backstreet Boys. Lines were drawn and music snobbery began to form. If the young hipster liked ‘N Sync, anyone who liked the Backstreet Boys was definitely an idiot (and vice versa). Also, Pokemon, which came out around this time, facilitated snobbery.

If you chose Squirtle, you would look down on the Charmander and Bulbasaur enthusiasts, so on and so forth. Thus, the young hipster began to show signs of condescension.

Age 11-13 – The end of middle school marked the time that Tony Hawk Pro Skater games were popular, leading the young hipster to become a skater as well. Fueled by the games’ soundtracks, the skater began listening to independent punk-rock bands. Tony Hawk exposed the young hipster to a myriad of these underground bands that never made it to the radio. This time marks when the hipster realized his love for the underground music scene.

Age 13-15 –The hipster abandoned skateboarding with the beginning of high school because, well, it wasn’t cool anymore. He became ravenous for underground music.

Music snobbery was at an all-time high. The only accessories this teen donned were Vans, studded leather jackets and checkerboard-patterned items from Hot Topic (though he would deny shopping at the store if asked). Enter: the denial aspect of being a hipster. Have you ever asked a hipster whether or not he was actually a hipster? Yes. Have you heard any of them actually admit it? Probably not.

Age 16-18 – Time for the emo phase when he listened whiny, screamy, emotional music. He connected on a deep level with My Chemical Romance, Hawthorne Heights and Taking Back Sunday. There was a lot of mascara, skinny jeans and inner anguish.

Age 19-21 – College happened, and suddenly, the emo kid couldn’t be just the emo kid anymore. The emo kid had to function in society and blend in. What better way to blend in than to play acoustic guitar in the quad? This sparked a love of acoustic instruments: they’re easily transportable, discreet and girls love them! Time to ditch the black attire to acclimate more to surroundings. The hipster now began wearing plaid button downs and skinny jeans that were less girly.

Age 22-24 — The transformation is now complete; the normal human being has successfully evolved into the hipster. It’s unclear how hipsters will transform moving forward: Will they sell out and become slaves to the Man? Or will they die out due to the lack of nutrition from the kale and PBR diet? Only time will tell.

Photo credit: The Hipster Babies Tumblr