The Bottle Snake: The Most Dangerous Person In The Nightclub

by Bottle Snake
Reuters/Paulo Whitaker

Prowling the nightlife scene is an animal that ladies and gentleman alike need to be warned about. We are not talking about the promoter or the creepy drunk guy who lurks around stalking girls relentlessly. No, we are talking about a creature that's much more dangerous and sneaky, one you wouldn't even see coming, unless, of course, you were warned.

We're talking about the bottle snake. We all know one, or have seen one out lingering around tables, who's constantly pouring glasses of cranberry with a splash of vodka for everyone who crosses their path.

Do not judge the bottle snake by his lack of employment or even by the flowing stream of insecure, unintelligent women surrounding him. The bottle snake is smart and conniving. His charm and ability to blend in allow him to mooch off of his friends without anyone even realizing it. By the end of the night, even you will be left impressed by his table and all that he has accomplished.

So how do you spot this animal, whose biggest skill is pretending to be something he is not and adapting to the environment like a chameleon? Here are the eight ways to spot a bottle snake in his very own element: the club.

He constantly talks about “his boy.”

Unless he is referring to his boyfriend, no man should mention “his boy” within the first five minutes of a conversation, especially when hitting on a girl. The bottle snake will try to impress you immediately by name-dropping whom he is “boys” with and who he knows. He believes that, by association, these connections make him accomplished and impressive.

Typical conversation openers include, but are certainly not limited to, “My boy is the DJ,” “I know the owner of this club, so I can hook you up with whatever you want,” and of course, “This is my boy's party.”

The bottle snake's sexual advances know no gender boundaries.

While most boys are out at clubs to pick up girls, the bottle snake is seen out drawing in other boys to his boy's table. He is constantly looking for more boys to add to his network of boys. So to all of you men reading this, beware. Before you know what's going on, the snake chatting you up and pouring you free a drink at the club will welcome himself to pouring other people drinks from your table the next weekend.

His smooth fashion convinces you that the bottle snake is genuinely trying to help you get a good deal on a table, get girls, or get into places you couldn't without his help, but that could not be farther from the truth. This relationship is not mutually beneficial.

He is dressed in last year's highest end designers or in clothes designed by “his boy.”

The bottle snake craves recognition for his fashion sense and wants people to think that he is the one with all the success. He only has designer fashions from previous seasons handed down to him by a friend - something he would never admit - or clothes made by his boy's company, which he managed to snag for free, and will often boast about at events.

In this case, beware of the guy going around discussing his “amazing Gucci leather jacket, which is so comfortable and was such a good buy last year” with everyone at the party. The bottle snake wants you know exactly what designer he is wearing at all times. He may even slip in, “My boy runs the company,” or “I fucked a girl who modeled for Prada at my boy's party during fashion week last season.”

The girls he is surrounded by are all dressed in slutty clothes and referred to as “bottle whores.”

The bottle snake attracts girls who are not intelligent enough to see through his game, or who just don't care, commonly known as the bottle whores. He is constantly surrounded by a flock of these girls who seem to worship the ground he walks on, laugh at his hideously flat jokes, and caress his scrawny arm in order to obtain access to his table.

Bottle rats think that they are the smartest animals in the club; while in reality, the far more clever and dangerous snake can eat these bottle whores without a second thought. These social climbers will f*ck the snake just to be introduced to his boy, their real target.

He is always pouring drinks, but never able to choose what is being poured.

“You want champagne? Sorry my table only has vodka-cranberry right now. I can probably swing some orange juice, if you want.” The snake never throws down money for a table, but always manages to end up at one and in control of the drinks. He lures the bottle whores and unsuspecting girls in with free vodka and juices, with no regard for the drinks these girls actually requested. His boy lets him commandeer the table, despite his lack of payment, because of the girls that he attracts.

When asked about his career, you will never get a straight answer.

Many bottle snakes refer to themselves as “personalities,” or “nightlife experts.” This is usually the extent of their career. When asked what they do for a living, bottle snakes will carefully avoid a direct answer, be sure to mention their “expert networking skills.”

Their lack of career rarely bothers bottle snakes because they do not pay for anything anyway, and since their friends are successful, they genuinely believe that this makes them successful by default. I have even heard one such snake refer to himself as a “mover and shaker” in NYC nightlife. Bottle snakes almost think of themselves as politicians - unelected, unintelligent and rather unimportant politicians, but politicians nonetheless.

The bottle snake's apartment is either constantly being “renovated,” or he was somehow screwed over by his broker.

Due to his lack of career, the snake rarely actually has an apartment, but wants everyone to believe he does. He always has an excuse as to why he is not currently living in the city, or why you cannot visit his fantastic new place. Common excuses include, “My apartment is being renovated,” “My broker screwed me over with my lease,” or “I'm in between apartments.”

He will crash on his boy's couch whenever he cannot find a bottle whore or FIT/ NYU student to go home with for the night. Despite his living situation, the bottle snake will constantly look down on people who do not live in the city because he obviously does not see himself in that category. Overheard from a snake that lives with his parents on Long Island, “I would never date a girl who does not live in Manhattan above Houston Street and below 96th street.” Really, bro?

His idea of a nice dinner date is a promoter dinner.

And consider yourself lucky if you get that much. The bottle snake's idea of chivalry is pouring a girl drinks from his friend's table, or taking her to a really cool restaurant in Meatpacking. Sounds awesome, right? Wrong. The “really cool restaurant” is chosen by whichever promoter is hosting the promoter dinner that night.

The intimate romantic dinner he takes her to includes him, another snake or two, a few promoters, and about ten girls who just want to be seen out and, of course, get a free meal, which they'll barely touch.

The snake will primarily attend these dinners so that he can boast, “I had dinner at Catch last night,” or “The fried Oreos at Lavo are amazing! How have you not been there?” This makes him feel superior to others because he has eaten at the best, trendiest, and most expensive restaurants in the city (even though he never has actually paid for a thing).

And finally… the most dangerous trait of today's bottle snake...

The snake has adapted a recent habit of leaving his natural habitat of the nightclub and can now be found at higher end events.

He will attend charity events and make a point of telling everyone he knows via social media that he was there. He never donates to the charity itself, but believes that he deserves to be there because his boy donated money and because “his presence draws in a good crowd.” (Yes, I have actually heard a snake say that.) Beyond charity, the snake has started attending electronic dance music events. He can now be found in the DJ booth, or the VIP section because his boy is the DJ, the DJ's manager, or his girl is fucking the DJ.

He kisses the DJ's ass harder than the DJ's groupies. Fashion weeks are another realm of social life, which the snake is invading. He attends shows, parties and events, even though he, himself, neither works in the industry nor spends money buying the clothes from the shows.

The snake befriends small designers with promises of connections, and he takes them out with his other boys; therefore, providing them with free bottles and the thirsty girls who closely trail those bottles. The bottle snake then runs around during fashion weeks in looks designed by his boy, or in his boy's outdated hand-me-down designer clothes.

The snake is never shy and always wants everyone to know whom he knows and where he goes. He is usually active on social media and is sure to include captions like, “You can't get in here” or “Get there early,” or he'll include Instagram shots of the “sick crowd.” Beware of this dangerous animal. Bottle snakes are lurking nearby, and by the time you realize it, they've already ordered another three bottles – on your tab.