Sex in high school is like stealing: You get caught once and it's traumatizing enough to make you never want to do it again. Until you do...
I couldn’t handle sex in high school. Don’t get me wrong, I had it -- but it was definitely more work than I could handle now. All that sneaking, planning and hiding. The lies, alibis and plan B's.
Worst of all, those moments when your parents just knew what you were doing. And for those unlucky ones who did get caught, those terrible months (or years) that followed.
Because getting caught then wasn't like getting caught now. It's not your similarly promiscuous roommate walking in on you, it was the two people you made a nonverbal agreement with to pretend to be asexual until you mysteriously pop out a baby at the age of 32.
The two people who believe you have temporarily sewn up your junk and are just wearing booty shorts because they are "more comfortable."
The two people who think those condoms they found in your room are just comical, unused leftovers from your Sex-Ed course.
Getting caught by them is like telling a baby Santa isn't real (or making it watch "American Pie").
Not to mention, it's traumatizing enough to turn you off from sex for a long time. Let's just say, you'd rather be in the dog house than caught doing it doggy-style.
What happens in the days, months and years after that awkward moment your parents throw open the door while you're throwing it down looks a little something like this:
You couldn't look at your parents at the dinner table
Family dinners became mandatory-- as if enough of your mom’s meatloaf and cold stares will turn you back into a virgin.
Anytime a sex scene came on the TV, everyone got quiet
For some reason, now all the movies your parents want to watch include a riveting sexual scenes..as if making you watch hot sex with them is going to turn you off it.
You had to explain yourself ridiculously when you did even the tiniest of things
Suddenly you feel the need to explain yourself even if you’re just getting milk. If you didn’t, they might think you’re going to give a hand job outside the local WaWa.
Car rides with dad were silent
There is nothing to say now, like there was nothing to say then.
You suddenly had a curfew again
Parents like to pretend sex doesn’t happen before 11 pm. Thus you were getting home by 10:30 every night and learning about daytime blow jobs.
You became closer with your siblings
They don’t know what happened, but they knew something was up (pun intended).
You hesitated (and maybe still do) before introducing another being to your parents
For the next year you’d introduce people as “my close, asexual friend, Martin”
You automatically gave up all arguing rights
By the middle of every argument, you’d relinquish your position and back away for fear of approaching the one low blow that will end every argument: I saw you having sex.
You made a point to leave your bedroom door open
You made extra effort to point out when people were not in your room. Look mom! I’m just listening to Enrique Iglesias by myself!
You dressed like an Amish kid… pre-Rumspringa
Now that your parents actually know you're having sex, you tone down anything that will remind them of it. You even bought a bonnet…
You got to school a lot earlier
It’s like the longer you were at school, the faster the shame would wear off. You tried to re-virginize yourself with all A’s.
Your mom bought you condoms and left them in your room
If she wasn’t strong enough to sit you down and talk about what she saw, she’d just passive-aggressively make sure you know she knows and that grandchildren are not welcome.
Your parents felt like they had to explain things
It’s like, Mom, clearly I know how it works….
Any time you brought your friends over, your parents made sexual innuendos
It’s like you get caught once and you have to explain yourself for the rest of your life.
You were forced to have the talk, and had no idea when it would come
Letting you “sweat it out” was the worst. They gave you that false hope it would blow over... then when you least expect it, you’re getting a sex lecture at Applebee's.
You got your privileges revoked from things that have no connection to sex
No snack drawer this week? Really, Mom? Are the Kit-Kats too sexual?
You had the most awkward encounter when that person and your parents met again
The relationship is probably over at this point; your SO is never going over to your place again.
Your parents threatened to send you away
Like boarding school is really going to make me celibate. Please parents, don’t be so naive.
...Then they "accidentally" let it slip to the rest of the family
Jesus! Grandma does not need to know about this!