Why I Make It A Point To Take A Sh*t At Every Guy's Apartment

When it comes to pooping, I am about as far away from that whole “stage fright” crap people are always telling me about as you can get.

You know, those peeps who say they can’t drop trou whenever nature calls and must, instead, wait until they get home.

NOT ME. NO THANK YOU, SIR.

If I need to go, I am GOING. Sorry, I am in no way sorry.

At work, at the gym, at the Duane Reade… if it’s time, it is time. Zero f*cks given.

Furthermore, not only do I sh*t without fear, I sh*t at every guy’s apartment as well.

I’m not going to sit around and spend an evening prairie dogging just because I don’t want to do something you men apparently find so appalling.

I am giving the world the most enormous middle finger right now.

If you date me, get some Frebreze, act like a normal person and f*ck off.

I make it a goddamn point to take a sh*t at every guy’s apartment.

Because I refuse to be anything I’m not.

I am unapologetically myself. I’m not some dainty little flower who is scared of the world. I’m not going to hold in my poop. Not for you, not for anyone!

If I have to go, I’m going to just hit up that stank chamber, and you can really just get the f*ck over it. I don’t act like anyone other than me. I don’t care what society says about being a female. I’m me.

I’m proud of the person I am. I am going to do whatever the f*ck I want. Bye bye. The end.

Because it’s a f*cking icebreaker.

There is no better way to get to know someone fully than accepting and embracing the poo. We all sh*t. Why not just take that first dump and get the awkward tension out of the way?

If you’re with a guy who is going to run for the hills the second you stink up the bathroom, he’s a dickwad anyway.

Poop is a taboo subject. Guys I date better realize I bridge those barriers pretty damn quickly.

Because he needs to accept I am a human being.

I refuse to feel badly about having normal bodily functions. I will not be shamed for having bowel movements. I’m so sick of all of this sh*t shaming.

It’s ridiculous. Sure, it smells unpleasant, and it’s kind of a mind f*ck that the way living things rid themselves of toxins is by expelling them out their buttholes, but it’s a fact of life. We all do it. It’s a nonissue for me.

Because if he can take a sh*t wherever he wants, then I can too.

The hypocrisy of it all! If a guy takes a poop, no one cares, but if a girl takes a poop, the world ends.

I’ve actually had guys say things like, “Girls don’t poop.” As if something so disgusting could not possibly be part of the female digestive system.

If men get to do “man stuff” like farting, burping and sh*tting, then I absolutely am going to do the same. If it’s fine for you guys, it is fine for me. It’s 2015. We’ve made so many strides for equal rights.

Why shouldn’t I have the right to take a big old poop if I need to? There is no shame in my game, and that is just the way it is.

Because you shouldn’t be offended.

If a guy actually had the nerve to give me lip about my liberated sh*tting habits, I would chew his head off. Not because I’m embarrassed but because that’s f*cking stupid.

Oh, I’m sorry? My body offends you? Well, your barely average sized wiener offends me, so why don’t we just keep our thoughts to ourselves, k?

I just don’t feel the need to tiptoe around men. They may have the egos of 14-year-old girls, but that is their problem, not mine.

Only a giant wimp would be a baby about someone taking a dump. There are a lot more important things to worry about, dude.

Because nothing is worth feeling that uncomfortable.

Is there really anything more horrendous than holding in an enormous poo? You can literally feel it filling up your intestines. It makes you bloated and anxious.

No man’s comfort is ever going to be worth putting myself through that kind of discomfort. Get over the sh*t shyness. We’re not 12 years old.

Not to mention, it’s really bad for your health to hold your sh*t in. You’re basically forcing your body to hold in waste when it is trying to rid your colon of it. Why would anyone want to do that?

Because if he can accept that I’ll take a sh*t wherever I want to, then he’s a keeper.

A friend recently told me a story about her first time taking a steaming dump at a boy’s place:

“My freshman year, I pooped in my new boyfriend's dorm room. He was a sophomore, and he lived in a suite with seven other guys… And I clogged the toilet. I told him, and I was so embarrassed. And he took the blame.”

That is how she knew he was a keeper. If a guy can get down with the fact that you are a f*cking human being and, therefore, your body does all the things every other human body does, then he is all right.

If you find a guy who can jive with your free-flying bowels, never let him go.

Because I am not a f*cking "lady."

I’m not a lady, and I’m sick of being told to act like one. I’m just real. I’m authentic. I’m me. I’m not going to act in a way that is deemed appropriate because I don’t f*cking care about what anyone thinks of me.

A lady would be far too “polite” and insecure about taking a sh*t anywhere outside of her home and, only then, with the shower on and endless amounts of air freshener. It sure does sound like a lady is very constipated most of the time.

That seems pretty sucktastic to me. Count me out.