To each his own, as they say. I’ve always stood firmly behind that statement.
There’s like, what, seven billion people on earth? You can’t expect every person to like the same sh*t you do and, frankly, you shouldn’t want that to be the case either. Diversity is what makes the world such a beautiful place.
For instance, some people like sports, and then again, some simply do not. In the same fashion, some women choose to spend their hard-earned money on red-bottomed heels, while others just can’t see the point of that.
Nobody’s right or wrong, everyone is entitled to his own unique taste.
Personally, I’ve never loved drinking. Do I drink? Sure, but I don’t enjoy it. It’s pretty much like eating kale. Do I like kale? No... no, as a matter of fact, I really don’t. Yet, everyone else on my Instagram feed seems to f*ck with it pretty heavy – so, why not, I say.
As a result, while I’m out with my friends on the weekend, of course I indulge with some hootch. After taking some time to reflect on this, however, I’m really not sure why.
I low-key hate drinking. In fact, I only drink because of the pressure inflicted on me by my friends – and you, society. Ya’ll need to cool that sh*t out, and that’s the double truth, Ruth.
Like, I f*cking woke up this morning at 4 am to watch Roger Federer at the Australian Open – you don't see me going around interrogating any of my friends as to why they didn't do the same.
If you drink, then enjoy drinking, but don't be so concerned with what everyone else's alcoholic agenda is.
If you want some concrete evidence why, exactly, here’s some introductory support: the eight struggles of being that person who loathes drinking, yet does it anyway.
8. The "shot for shot"
Yeah, that sounds like a good idea, like – you’re only like 60 pounds heavier than I am and brought a few slices of pizza to the pregame, as well, to soak up all that liquor – I’m not sure what this will prove besides the fact that my tolerance is low and I had sushi for dinner (which will soon be evident all over the apartment floor).
7. Getting asked, "Are you drinking?" repeatedly
It’s mad annoying when you’re already hammered and still have to, like, reinforce to people that you’re drunk – by lugging around a red plastic cup the entire evening – just so people won’t continuously ask, “Are you drinking????” Like, yes, I’m f*cking drinking... would you like to read the drunk texts I’ve been sending to my ex?
6. The "accidental" spill move
Of course you accidentally spilled, but in the depths of your conscience, you know it was fully non accidental.
After your first few rounds of shots, you start toasting very emphatically just to ensure that some – even if it’s only a little bit – of liquor gets spilled out, prior to throwing it down the hatch.
6. When you're already too drunk, midway through the pregame
It’s pretty disheartening and mildly humiliating when your boys are discussing the bottle situation at the club, and you’re in the corner dry heaving at the pregame.
It’s pretty much the booze-equivalent of filling up on the breadbasket while on a dinner date.
5. The "seltzer and lime" at the bar
When you get to the bar, and realize that you should probably slow your roll a tad bit, you get creative. You realize that, yes, ordering a seltzer from the bar will resemble some variation of clear liquor combined with a clear, carbonated mixer.
Toss in a lime, and – voilà! – you have yourself a cocktail until you sober up a bit. Keep in mind, however, they’re still gonna charge you.
3. Spending money on sh*t you don't even want
Whether it’s your boys asking you to “throw in for the bottles,” or you’re at the bar and it’s your turn to buy a round (even though you didn’t want any of the rounds purchased for you) – you realize the concept of being a “stand-up guy,” even though it’ll probably end up with you passed out on some floor by the end of the night.
2. You need to have very efficient "game"
Obviously the most common setting to court women on the weekends is your local watering hole – aka the nearest bar. Conceptually, it’s not all that complicated.
You see a girl you like, you ask to buy her a drink, and then you spit game. If you don’t seal the deal before your 3rd or 4th drink, however, it’s likely that you’ll find yourself spitting more than just game at that eligible bachelorette.
1. When you think smoking is an operative substitute
Oh, you don’t really f*ck with alcohol? True, so you decide to roll up a doobie or two, and see what the night has in store for you.
What you soon find out, however, is that – after a little pot – you no longer want to go out anymore... and the only thing the night has in store for you is some Chinese food delivery menus and sh*tty Netflix documentaries.