Hunger and fatigue are like your annoying family friends your mom forces you to hang out with, who follow you around and cramp your style and suggest bad activities for you to indulge in.
Science has shown that hunger and exhaustion go hand-in-hand. When we’re tired, we’re prone to eat more; when we’re famished, we also feel lethargic. And then there’s that special subset of people (like you and me) who are just chronically tired and extremely hungry.
It’s like our base level of functioning. There’s never a time when you’re “too full to take another bite” or “ready to go for walk after dinner.” At rest, you are tired. Post-meal, you are looking forward to the next one. This is your life.
A good day is when you eat five small meals instead of 10. What you consider a snack, other people eat for lunch. Soup has never been consumed as an entire meal for you. And even if by some miracle you’re not hungry, you’re still always down to taste a sample.
Hungry-tired should be recognized as a formal affliction. One that requires at least two extra sick days, a prescription for baked goods and insurance coverage on your grocery bill.
Here are the 25 struggles of chronically tired and beyond ravenous people. Dig in.
1. You're not one of those people who eats less when stressed
If we're going to be totally honest here, you actually eat more when you're stressed and even use your anxiety as an excuse to eat more.
Sometimes it's blatant procrastin-eating. "I can't handle this deadline I have tomorrow. I should probably eat six sandwiches first."
2. You think about what you’re eating for dinner while brushing your teeth in the morning
Props for actually getting out of bed though!
3. You're too tired to put the chips away, so you keep eating them instead
The ultimate form of sloth is indulging in your own indulgence. You've just reached new levels. Congratulations, you've won 6 pounds!
4. You consider looking up menus online your favorite form of research
Your day job consists of doing your work, and then doing your other work: digestion. You troll Menupages like it's an Instagram feed.
5. You consume so much before bed that you pass out
Hand still mid-chip-grab. Wrappers strewn about. You have the worst kind of food hangover the next morning in which you have sour stomach, but are also still hungry (only the die-hards understand what it means to be hungover from consuming too much). You literally ate yourself to sleep. Ambien better watch out.
6. You hate pretending like you're too stuffed for dessert
Umm, let's get one thing straight. There is always room for dessert. In fact, we stuffed our faces, fully expecting chocolate cake after. And we're not sharing.
7. You've never experienced the glory of leftovers
"Doggy bagging" is a foreign concept to you as well. For you, leftovers are what happens when you give up.
8. When you visit a friend's house, you instinctively open the fridge
You're just taking a preliminary inventory, mentally noting what you'll dig into later. Ever since you spotted that aluminum foil covered tray, you can't stop thinking about what home-baked goods are inside.
You're like a watch dog that is trained to spot calories. (Wait, that would actually be a dream job...)
9. You don't want to cook because you're too lazy, but don't want to spend the exorbitant amount of money on delivery that it'll take to satiate you
Answering this predicament is tougher than getting up from your chair. The thought of putting together a meal sucks, but the thought of spending $50 in one sitting on food is worse. Your voracious appetite is robbing you blindly.
10. You pregame with food
While waiting for your food to arrive, you always have a bite to "hold you over" for the five extra minutes. It's not a party to you unless there are snacks around.
Before you go to lunch, you grab a "little something." Pregaming isn't about getting high -- it's about getting a sugar high.
11. Your favorite part of going out at night is 3 am pizza afterwards
The main reason you go out is to have an excuse for binge-eating late-night. It's like your reward for tolerating people. (Psychological check: You shouldn't actually place this kind of incentive on food. We're just kidding here. Kind of.)
12. You say things like, “I could probably eat more," after people announce how full they are
There's not an actual limit to your consumption capacity. You employ the conscious mind-over-body tactic, in which years of health class and South Beach diet books have informed you when it's time to stop eating. Otherwise, you would keep feeding because you can.
13. You get off to food porn
You prefer to ogle melting cheese than melting body parts. Browsing through food blogs leaves you feeling more satisfied than searching through Porn Hub. Pictures of steaming truffle mac'n'cheese? Ohh, you're bad.
14. You’d rather stay in, watch a TBS movie marathon and order delivery in your elastic-waist pants than go out
What is better than the comfort of knowing your food will arrive in 15 minutes? Not high heels, that's for sure.
15. You brush your teeth only to eat something right after
You thought you were done, but you were just refreshing the palate before the real party in your mouth begins. Erasing all evidence of prior binging with a few minty strokes is pure genius.
16. You question this: Put it in the trash after falling on the floor, or wait five minutes until whoever saw forgets, and then put it in your mouth?
Let us remind the haters out there: both are forms of cleaning up after yourself. And one even builds immunity, so take that.
17. You feel like you have mono... but with an insatiable appetite
Regular mono would actually be awesome though. We look forward to a time when we're too sick to eat. This has yet to happen.
18. You show up to work on the days you know there will be free food
You're conveniently never sick on "Pizza Fridays" or "Bagel Wednesdays."
19. You dine in your bed and wake up with unsavory (but savory if you lick them) chocolate stains on the sheets
You wouldn't have even remembered you ate all those Reese's had you not found the melted evidence on your sheets. Classy.
20. You never met a snack you didn't accept
If someone were to poison you, all he would have to do is offer you free food. You won't turn it down.
21. You make a list of things you’re going to eat on your birthday... seven months from now
Some people fantasize about traveling. Some dream about decadent amounts of money. You fantasize about different types of decadent birthday cake.
22. You can list your favorite foods faster than you can list your favorite people
You can even list all the ways you struggle with chronic hunger faster than you can write your dissertation! (See: this article.)
23. Everything sounds good on the menu
Deciding what to eat is the hardest choice you will make all day. It's just that important.
24. You're too lazy to go food shopping
Even the allure of free samples can't peel you away from the couch. So you decide to concoct really weird substitutes for your cravings, like string-cheese-cracker-grilled-cheese and peanut butter with strawberries. It's food, so it naturally still tastes good to you.
25. Even when it's gross, unappetizing looking food, you still eat it
"Why am I still eating this?" (Chews dog bone.)
Photo Courtesy: Fox/The Simpsons