There comes a point during every night out when you’re faced with a dilemma, the question of the ages: Do I keep drinking or do I cut myself off and call it a night?
They say the devil is in the details. I say that’s horsesh*t. The devil, my friend, is in the third drink.
He sits there in the form of a tall-necked bottle, seductively calling to you to take him to your lips.
He calls after you’ve had two cocktails and are bordering on the delicate edge between tipsy and drunk; he calls when the world starts to become a little hazy around the edges, and you swear you know the song that’s playing, but you can’t remember the name.
Your friends are pacing themselves, or not pacing themselves. The guy in the corner you swore was, at best, a six is looking a lot more like an eight right now.
You’re on the edge of something. But is it the edge or glory or disaster? Of a night to remember or a night you’ll later wish you could forget?
It’s the third drink that has all the answers. And you know very well that having one more drink never leads to a decision you’re proud of.
But your tab is open and you like this bar. So you have that third drink and venture down the rabbit hole to a dark place of moral haziness and lost panties.
These are 33 reasons that third drink literally ruins your life:
33. Because three drinks turn into twelve.
It’s that one little drink that opens the floodgates to hell.
32. Because the third drink releases "Drunk You."
Sober You has left the building and your evil twin has arrived.
31. Because it's the moment you stop caring.
After three drinks, nothing else matters besides more drinks.
30. Because it's when you consider kissing that stranger in the bar.
He might have been a six when you got here, but he’s looking more like an eight right now.
29. Because, at this point, you want the music turned up.
You just want to dance.
28. Because it’s the moment inhibition leaves you.
You checked your morals at the bar when you ordered drink number three.
27. Because the third drink is the Devil incarnate.
He’s come to take you down, down, down.
26. Because it's the drink you can blame your blackout on.
It’s the best excuse... and the worst. "Why did I keep drinking! It was all downhill after that third drink!"
25. Because the third drink leads to the thirtieth shot.
One thing leads to another.
24. Because it’s the point of no return.
If you’re having three, you’re getting wasted.
23. Because after two drinks, you can go home and sleep, but after three, you're out all night.
It’s one small decision that ends up being one big mistake.
22. Because bottles of wine have four glasses in them.
Is this a coincidence? Or is it bait to make you buy more? Hmm.
21. Because the third drink makes your clothes feel too tight.
And you just want to take them off... with the stranger at the bar. Maybe even at the bar.
20. Because it’s the edge of the rabbit hole.
And we all know what happened to Alice.
19. Because the third drink makes everything seem like a good idea.
And anything, too.
18. Because it makes you forget about tomorrow.
What’s tomorrow when we’re here with all of this booze right now?
17. Because, at this point, it's like, f*ck it.
Just f*ck it. I’ll have another… and another.
16. Because you can't stop on an odd number.
Once you make the decision to have the third, it’s the moment you give in to the fourth.
15. Because you've spent the money and you're committed to the night.
Why limit yourself to a buzz now?
14. Because you’re past the point of enjoyment and well into drunkenness.
Which means all bets are off — and likely your pants, eventually.
13. Because your tab is already open.
If they have the card open, your night is open-ended.
12. Because you can forget about looking cute in pics.
You’re going to look like a hot mess from here on out, and your friends already know it.
11. Because someone probably bought the drink for you, and they will probably buy the fourth.
And even the fifth. Unless you buy everyone shots again.
10. Because you're already on the dance floor.
And the beat is just too good.
9. Because you officially smell like liquor.
If you’re going to smell like a bar, you should probably just stay at the bar.
8. Because you already lost your phone.
And a fourth drink (etc., etc.) will stave off the pain and inevitable anxiety of tomorrow.
7. Because you've made it this far.
It’s seems like the final stretch, but it isn’t.
6. Because you don't want to go home.
Except with a hot guy.
5. Because by now you've already texted someone and need to meet up.
And would it really be a booty call without a proper black out?
4. Because it’s the moment you stopped giving a f*ck.
If you gave one to begin with.
3. Because you're not ready to call your drug dealer.
You’ll hit him up for weed at 4 am after that 200th vodka soda.
2. Because you were planning to take a cab home anyway.
Hopefully, you don’t pass out this time.
1. Because you have just enough money in your bank account.
And if you don’t, you already said f*ck it.