I'm over a lot of things right now. Maybe I'm just being a curmudgeon, but the truth is by the time you're 25, the allure of dressing up and making out with a masked stranger has waned. (Probably because you did that last Saturday.)
You're sick of hyping up one holiday only to be let down by the lack of treats and abundance of tricks. You're sick of spending money on costumes you'll never be able to wear again.
And you're over pretending like you actually care about attending anything other than "13 Nights of Halloween" on ABC Family.
Halloween, it was a good run. Perhaps we shall meet again in the distant future, when donning costumes and taking candy feels more appropriate.
Until then, though, we'll leave it up to our dogs to wear ridiculous outfits.
Here are all the reasons why we're over Halloween by the age of 25.
1. There isn't a whole week dedicated to various college parties.
You're lucky if it falls on a Friday and you don't have to go to work the next day with face paint still smeared on your eyelids.
Halloween celebrations post-25 occur either prematurely or totally after the fact, making it even more uncomfortable to parade around in cat ears on a random Thursday.
2. Things in everyday life are way scarier than anything you see on Halloween.
Ebola, anyone? How about the crazy drunk man who sits on your stoop dressed like a pirate when it's not even Halloween? Amanda Bynes' return to NYC? These things are scary -- and they're real.
3. Because you will get drunk and put a costume on whenever you damn well please!
It's called Laundry Day. And the Super Bowl. By the time you're over 25, you don't really need an occasion to dress up, get obliterated and hit on scantily-clad bunnies.
You can do this at your local bar with a girl or guy whose intentions are questionable and it's still considered trick-or-treating.
4. You can't collect candy for trick-or-treating.
Unless you can pass for a 12-year-old, don't bother hoping anyone takes you seriously or will “waste” giving a Halloween veteran the candy stash.
No matter how much thought, time and effort goes into devising your costume, modern-day agism is against you.
5. Walking home as a slutty pirate isn't arrrguably a good idea. (See what we did there?)
For one thing, people might think that you're said homeless man's wifey. For another, you're no longer living on a college campus where this walk of shame is to be expected. You WILL pass by a school bus full of nursery school-aged children and you WILL be asked for Esmeralda's autograph.
Tainting tomorrow's youth just isn't part of your plan right now.
6. Because "13 Nights of Halloween" is on ABC Family!
We all know that come your late 20s, staying in is way more fun than going out, especially on a night when there are tons of extra little biddies hogging the bar resources and gyrating in your face.
No, you'd much rather spend quality time with your besties, Mr. Popcorn and Ms. TV. They never let you down, they cost less than one Halloween event ticket and they won't leave behind an embarrassing photo trail three years later.
7. You've already dressed up as everything you wanted to be. What else is left?
You've already changed your Facebook photo multiple times to reflect your Halloween genius. Everyone remembers that iconic hot dog costume you wore two years ago, and you're never going to top that. Plus, you've done all the "slutty ______" ideas.
It's time to hang up the mouse ears and pass on the glowsticks.
8. Binging on sweets you collected in your pillowcase is just another hungover Sunday morning.
Why would you have to dress up like an idiot to do the same thing you do in your sweatpants once a week anyway?
9. After 25 years of trying to solve this problem, we have given up on mastering how to wear a jacket and not ruin your costume.
You're always cold on Halloween and you've had ENOUGH. How are you supposed to wear a down jacket over your energizer bunny costume? Hello, totally cramping your style.
10. You actually have to do sh*t in the morning.
Long gone are the days when you could sleep through your hangover and not have to worry about banging out 90 WPM.
11. You have to pay to enjoy it.
Pay for your costume components (even if it's DIY). Pay for the boogie promoted event. Pay for the goodies.
Pay for the loss of dignity when you lose a key piece to your Scarecrow outfit and are drunkenly crying to your friends that you've lost your brain.
12. You spend all month thinking about your costume, unintentionally spend a stupid amount of money on it and then wind up at a party looking like every other idiot.
Lesson learned. Only took 25 years.
13. Dressing up like Sailor Moon Crystal at age 29 isn't exactly the same as when you were 17.
The Power Puff Girls, on the other hand, are totally acceptable.
14. You'd rather use this one free evening to speak to absolutely no one and watch "Hocus Pocus" alone with gummy bears.
Home alone on the night when ghouls and ghosts arise? Now that sounds spooky!
15. Because you've never been under it.
Let's be honest here. Barring that one night in college you got lucky in your Mario mustache, you've always dreaded having to dress up while pretending to be someone else in character.
Consider your anti-celebration a celebration of a new life free of masks, disguises and tricksters.
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