Why 3 AM Is The Only Time I Get My Sh*t Together

by Lauren Martin

I'm a f*cking master. I'm the greatest magician in the world. I can do anything!

Here it comes. Yep, here it is. My name is Lauren Martin, it's 3 am and I'm about to get my f*cking life together.

That's right. Here, in this dark (but not too dark) room, lying on my back, facing the ceiling, unable to sleep or watch another "30 Rock" episode, I am vowing to change my entire life.

I'm going to do so much tomorrow, just you wait. I'm going to walk to the laundromat and clean my underwear (because apparently it's a social faux-pas to re-wear?).

While at the laundromat, I am going to bring my notebook and write five pages of an original novel and maybe pick up a hot guy also examining his briefs.

Then I'll come home, with plenty of time left, clean my room and hopefully find that missing credit card (come to think of it, I should probably do that first). It's fine, I'll just remember to call and cancel it tomorrow.

Damn, that movie on Ray Charles was so good. The perfect thing to fall asleep to. He's really just amazing at piano. Music is so beautiful, it really is something everyone should have in life. I bet I could play piano. Yeah, I bet I could beast the piano. Before the end of this year, I am going to be the Ray Charles on my generation!

Yes! Why not!? I am a young, capable woman, and I think if I put an hour a day in I could learn the piano. One hour a day is nothing. After dinner tomorrow, I'll finish that book I told Jo I'd return a year ago, then right before bed, I'll get my hour of practice in.

Oh, f*ck "Scandal" is on tomorrow. Yes, f*cking "Scandal" is on. OK... so book, "Scandal," piano, bed. Damn girl, you're going to kill this day.

As you may have guessed, I didn't get around to becoming the Ray Charles of my generation. And no, I didn't find that missing credit card. Nor did I get around to cleaning my underwear.

In fact, the only thing I did do was cancel that credit card (because my mom called me) and watch "Scandal." But it was a great f*cking episode.

So why is it that at 3 am I think I can do everything and more? Why at this deep, dark hour do I become all powerful? I really like to believe that there's a special energy to the moon, a ray of light that beams onto us and gives us momentary insanity and delusions of grandeur.

Yet, until that can be proven, I can only guess at all the reasons we're so motivated to sort out our lives at 3 am:

Because that’s when it all seems possible

I have my whole life in front of me at 3 am.

Because I’m not high

Unfortunately, there's one downfall to God's greatest plant... while it may do a great job on my one task, it's not great for multitasking.

Instead, it took me three hours to clean my room because I decided shirts should be organized by fabric material. Is chiffon before cotton?

Because it seems far enough away

At 3 am, you're a good enough distance away from yesterday and far away enough from tomorrow to feel that anything can happen. And with all the time in the world, you have all the confidence in the world.

At 3 am, you're thinking you'll be up in three hours, but really you're going to be oversleeping your alarm clock.

Because I’m not tired

I'm awake, I'm alert and the morning seems like a warm pool I'm about to glide into. Instead, it's a pool of freezing ice water I'd rather not touch.

The second I try to leave this bed, the wave of exhaustion I've been sucking up in my stomach is going to come out and all I'm going to want to do for the rest of day is get back into bed.

Because no one's texting me

In bed, I have no plans. No urge to have a drink after work, no peer pressure to go watch bad TV with friends at their apartment or go out for an unnecessary two-hour long dinner.

No one is inviting me anywhere, no one is doing anything I want to do, and no one is distracting me.

Because I become an overachiever after 1 am, only to turn back to an underachiever at sunrise

This is the magic theory. And who knows, the moon is a relatively unknown entity and if we can accept the theory of Amanda Bynes, why can't we believe in powers of the moon?

Because I feel like if I’m awake I should be doing something

If I'm going to be lying in bed, awake, I feel I better make some use out of this wasted shuteye.

We've been conditioned to feel bad when getting less than eight hours of sleep, so if we're going to be a waste of life tomorrow, we may as well get ahead in the middle of the night.

Because there’s nothing on TV

Those shows you treat with more devotion than any religion you grew up with, are not on at 3 am.

And when they're not on, when their glowing previews and captivating, horrible one-liners aren't tempting you, it feels like the whole world is suddenly in front of you.

Because I have guilt at night

I'm not sure what it is about nighttime that makes you feel like every decision you made in life is going to send you straight to hell, but it does... Along with every regret, embarrassing moment and that terrible memory you've been repressing for the past 15 years.