Holy Frostbite: 10 Reasons Canadian Winters Put America's To Shame
We’ve all seen the memes and heard the jokes. Yes, Canada is f*cking cold from November until March. We get it. People say we’re crazy. They ask us why we don’t just pack up and leave.
They ask us why we would ever put up with such cold, bitter madness. I’ll tell you why: because we’re bat sh*t crazy. I mean, come on, my parents have been living there for almost 60 years now, and they go off to Florida every chance they get.
But then, I have family that just stays in Canada, all year round, every day. They defy all odds.
Anyway, I followed in my parents’ footsteps last year and moved to Miami, dodging the Justin Bieber of a winter that was 2014 (it was a b*tch).
But I’m in New York City now, and I’ve heard too many people complain about how cold it is here. And yet, no one’s fingers are blue and my nostril hair isn’t even frozen. Come on, America, suck it up.
That’s why we all need to learn the importance of a Canadian winter and experience it at least once in our lives — as well as the metric system — but we can discuss that some other time.
So, I’m taking it upon myself to convince everyone on planet earth to visit Canada during the winter months. They'll leave with thicker blood, fewer toes and a whole new outlook on mittens.
Bundle up and scroll through the 10 reasons why Canadian winter is awesome:
1. There is so much snow, all the time
This will give your life more meaning because you will have more obstacles (as in, snow piles) in your path.
Trust me, when you’re climbing over the biggest snow dune you’ve ever seen on a Toyota, you’ll be pretty much ready to take on anything.
2. There is no crying in Canada
Because your tears freeze. So basically, Canada doesn’t believe in water tears.
That’s right, we do arctic blast tears instead. And now, I can put that I’ve cried arctic blast tears on my résumé.
3. You will slip and fall on ice a lot
It will suck and you’ll be really embarrassed, then you’ll pick yourself back up and keep going.
Because let’s be real: You haven’t lived through a real winter until you’ve ridden the icy version of a slip and slide down a sidewalk.
4. The BIG Canadian Secret
There’s a Canadian (and possibly Russian) secret no one’s telling you. But I will tell you, because I’m awesome and I want more Twitter followers. Brace yourselves:
The difference between 20 Celsius and -40 Celsius? Not much. At a certain point, it’s just freaking cold.
Your nostril hair freezes, your toes go numb and your fingers turn white, then blue. Not sure how much this helps you, but “now you knowwww” (Bill Nye voice).
5. Killer icicles
In Canada, you’re more likely to get attacked by rabid icicles than a gang of sharks. Maybe this is obvious, but I’m just sharing information here.
6. Sled dogs are real!
And they’re really, really fun.
The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in fewer than three minutes. And also, you get to yell “mush.” This will pretty much complete you as a person.
7. Ten layers of clothing is no joke
It’ll teach you to wake up early and cry arctic ice blast tears while you get dressed.
8. Skiing is life
Now, before you say, “But ... but the US has skiing!” I will say yes, that may be true. But what America does not have is skiing with polar bears, so Canada wins again.
9. Frostnip is fun, fun, fun
You get to experience frostnip! Which has the potential to become frostbite! “Just another one of life’s little quirks,” you’ll say to your purple index finger.
10. Ice-cold toilet seats build character
Approximately one in five Canadian butt cheeks are frozen to toilet seats right now. Donate to help.
Follow @kathrynkvas for more hangry Canadian tweets.