Growing up, all my friends had these awesome icons they could relate to.
One of my boys was incredible at tennis, and grew up idolizing Roger Federer. You can even see it in his backhand.
Another one of my friends, a dude with a natural gift for the piano, we used to call Sir Elton. He loved it. With that being said, once he started dressing like Sir Elton, we clearly knew when to stop.
Me, on the other hand, I never really had any cool people to identify with. I’m self-conscious. Undateable. I can’t stand on line at a deli for longer than five minutes without getting myself into some confrontation.
Although I might not have any “cool” people to identify with, per se–I definitely have someone “not-so-cool,” whom I relate with numerous times over the course of each day.
That man is a one George Costanza, from "Seinfeld." And I admit it proudly.
I’m not alone. We “Costanzas” are everywhere you look – trust me. Every group of friends has its own Costanza, whether or not you know it yet. It might even be you.
For this reason, I’ve provided a quick list of warning signs that you, yes you, might be the Costanza of your respective group of friends.
Disclaimer: If you’ve lied about being a marine biologist at any point in your life, you don’t really need much further evidence.
8. Something is always an issue.
Nothing is simple with you. Ever. Despite your numerous, generally glaring, flaws, you always seem to find a bone to pick with everyone and everything. It’s remarkable.
You probably have complained about the skimpy size of a free sample you were served, and trips via public transportation cease to exist without some level of discord.
I don’t know, maybe you could avoid conflict if you really wanted to...? But the thing is, you don’t. And that’s why you’re Costanza.
7. Your relationship with your parents is "complicated" at best.
You probably still live with them, or have been living with them on-and-off, for quite some time. You’re not upset about it… you’re tortured by it.
Overbearing mom? Dad’s a little kooky? Yep, yep. This is nothing new for you, as you’ve probably been referring to your parental units as “psychopaths” for quite some time now.
And while you do love both of your parents, unconditionally – it’s hard for you not to think that things might’ve turned out better for you had they just divorced at a young age.
6. If it comes down to working hard or hardly working – the decision is made pretty handily.
Hey, there are some of us who like to work – and there are some of us who just don’t. You, my friend, certainly fall into that second category – and guess what? So does George Costanza.
Realistically, the effort you put into scheming in your place of work on a daily basis far exceeds your basic required workload, but somehow in your twisted mind that translates to efficiency. I mean, anything to avoid working, amiright?
You sneak naps INSIDE your office. You’ve tried to become your boss’s “ride or die” solely to remove yourself from any real responsibility. And, obviously tried to get yourself fired, too. Unsuccessfully, of course.
5. You're a normcore god.
You always get a chuckle when you see “normcore” pop up on some fashion site because you’ve been dressing like that LONG before it earned a trendy title – and you know damn well there’s not one ounce of “fashion” behind your look.
It isn’t “normcore,” it’s just “I’m generally lazy across all aspects of my life and fashion will certainly not be the exception,” and you’re like Alexander f*cking McQueen when it comes to this ilk of panache.
4. You're petty.
Let it go? Eh, why would you let it go if you’re not wrong? In fact, you’re never wrong – if anything, it’s the universe's fault for hating you.
Most of the big problems you encounter stem from the smallest sh*t. Literally – like “shrinkage” after a pool party for instance.
Grudges are some of your longest-kept relationships, and making new friends usually lasts until you find something wrong with them – or the other way around, naturally.
3. You’re the Keith Haring of bullsh*t artistry.
The truth is, you’re not living a lie. You’re living about 20.
Like Costanza and “Art Vandelay” – you, too, have a unique set of alter egos and fabrications at your disposal for whenever the opportunity presents itself.
Talking to a girl at a bar ALWAYS equates to you lying about some aspect of your life – whether it be your job, your income, your f*cking hair situation, you really don’t discriminate.
And why would you? Remember: “It’s not a lie... if you believe it.”
2. You don’t usually have emotions.
Feel? What’s that? At this point in your life, you’ve pretty much become numb to any real emotions.
Sure, you’ll go through the motions, but they don’t usually result in any “feeling,” so to speak. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, in reality, it’s a useful way for you to deal with failure (which you aren’t a stranger to).
With regard to excitement? Well, most of the time there isn’t really much for you to get excited about. Besides good public bathrooms, that is. Those, you get pretty excited about.
1. Fear and self-loathing in your day-to-day life.
While you might fall under the category of “self-loathing,” it usually doesn’t come without good reason. In your mind, it isn’t a matter of “self-loathing,” but rather “self-awareness,” instead.
You know you’re cheap. You know you’re dishonest from time to time. You know you’re generally selfish. And you know what else? It’s fine with you. You’ve become one with your neurosis – and you’re comfortable.
It might not be the fast track to success, but I’ll tell you one thing – as a general rule – doing the complete opposite of your gut instincts usually is.