A Call To End All Texting: I Like You, You Emoji Me, So Just Pick Up The F*cking Phone

“Hi.” “Hey.” “What’s up?” “Wanna Cuddle?”

There you go kids, there’s your parents whirlwind romance in six words. The letter of courtship, the infamous story, the beginning of the rest of their lives.

They probably don’t even remember it word for word. They probably have a general idea of how it went or maybe it happened when they were blacked out. Either way, there it is.

Yep, that’s what we’ll tell our kids. Except, at this rate, it feels like we won’t even have that story to tell. At this rate, it feels like everyone we’re texting is never working out.

Next to left swipes and “just the tip,” texting is the reason we’re all f*cking single. It’s why the hook-up culture so easily exists and why we’re all going just a little bit nuts. Yet, why do we keep doing it?

We all know that texting just isn’t working. Like kissing, everyone has a different style and it’s one more hurdle we must surmount to even get to get to know someone.

It’s one more reason not to see people and keep them on the waiting line. It’s one more way to become un-attracted to someone without giving that person a fair chance.

Because it’s no longer how much you like someone on the date, but how well you connect off it.

It’s how well you can figure out the meaning behind 140 characters and find romance in the emoji. It’s how well you can respond to one another without turning either each other off. It’s how well you can show you care while still playing it cool.

It’s how well you can make plans without it turning into a game of tag.

There’s so much that’s going wrong and so much we’re losing in translation. It’s this constant conversion of our feelings and thoughts into calculated, rehearsed and abbreviated characters and it’s messing us all up.

We’re going in and throwing wrenches in the dating process with our emojis and double meanings. We’re changing the entire game without giving anyone a copy of the new rules.

We didn’t realize the unlimited texting plan would be the demise of all our future relationships, rather than the portal to unlimited names and numbers.

We didn’t understand that the texting game would spiral so far out of control that we’d end up crying over SMSes that were or weren’t delivered. We didn’t realize all this texting would just make getting to know people harder.

It’s out of control, an addiction that’s been forming since our first Razrs and Nokias, and we need to stop.

Somehow we’ve got to withdraw from the texting game in order to save our relationships. Everyone needs to cut the games and start making plans like our parents did… over the phone.

Believe it or not, they used to call each other. They would show up at the determined location and not talk until it was time to call. It was simple -- easy -- and a man only talked a woman when he was sincerely interested in taking her out.

He didn’t keep her on the back burner, checking in every few days while he pursued more pressing women. He didn’t ring up to just say, “Hey, what’s up?” and then hang up when she answered.

He didn’t call him drunk and tell her lies. He didn’t call her four days in a row and then just stop, out of the blue.

He didn’t call to make unnecessary chit chat and confuse her into thinking she was having a relationship with someone who just liked to see his screen glow.

There were no double meanings to his call, no subtle nuances in her words and no confusion if it was actually a date. Things were understood, things were straightforward.

If we all just stopped the texting, the incessant, unnecessary and unimportant garbage that’s filling up our inboxes and driving away the excitement, we’d actually have the chance to get to know someone.

If we all just started calling each other instead of beating around a screen, it could be the difference between a date tonight and another staring contest with your phone.