Being nice for the sake of being nice is a great thing. If everyone were to be nice simply for the sake of being a nice, happy individual, the world would be a much better place. Sadly, that isn’t the world we live in.
Most people who are being nice to you are being nice to you for a reason.
In other words, they want something from you. What they want will vary. Sometimes it’s nothing more than a conversation and some companionship. Other times, it’s something much more generous.
This unique kindness dynamic can be interestingly examined in the contexts of dating. When we go on dates, we are "officially" getting to know someone. Or at least, that is the purpose for which dating was created.
As most of us have come to learn, most likely after years and years of disappointing encounters, is that most people don’t date in order to get to know the other person. In fact, most people don’t even date in order to date; they date to get laid.
I’m not going to pick on the guys here solely, as there are plenty of women guilty of exactly the same way of romancing.
To be clear, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to go out on dates in order to have sex. In fact, that is much preferred over our culture’s current one-night stand practices.
But… if that’s the purpose of your interest in the other person, then be a nice person and be clear on your intentions. You may just want to get it in, but the other person may very well be looking for something more than an orgasm.
I do have to be honest though. Men are more often than not the culprits. I am sure that every single guy with, at the very least, a somewhat active sex life has used kindness in order to get a girl into bed. I know I have. Every guy has. Why?
Because no woman wants to get into bed with a guy who is a complete assh*le -- not a single one.
If you want to know exactly what women like, it’s this: a delicate combination of nice guy and total jerk.
Women like men who can be jerks, yet at the same time make them feel loved and special. It’s the perfect combination of danger and safety that not only every woman, but every person, is searching for.
What women want is the nice guy who is capable of being a bit of a prick. Unfortunately, what they usually end up with is an assh*le who is pretending to be nice just to get her into bed.
Is this all men? Absolutely not. Is it a staggering majority? Honestly, I haven’t run a study group -- but from what I’ve seen in my dating experiences in the last decade or so, there are a lot of these guys out there.
They meet a girl, butter her up, give her promises they never plan on keeping, allow her to give herself up to them, and then use her until they no longer feel like using her.
Women aren’t stupid -- they know that plenty of guys are playing this exact game. The problem is that not every guy is being nice just to get into your pants. There are also plenty of men out there looking for the real deal.
They aren’t always easy to find, but they are out there. In fact, you may be better off finding the sorts of guys who aren’t excessively kind and giving. It’s those who don’t care enough to make you believe that they care about you more than they actually do who are most trustworthy.
Do you see how complicated this has all gotten thanks to people pretending like they care about other people when, in fact, they don’t care the least bit?
Those who are genuinely nice have to go out of their way to seem nonchalant because coming off too nice is now being flagged as a warning sign.
If you’re a complete assh*le you lose, and if you’re a sweetheart, you also lose.
I know I can be quite the assh*le myself from time to time, especially when it comes to dating, but that’s only because I know when something isn’t going to work from nearly the start.
I’m not one to drag things out more than necessary, and when I know there is no future I cut things off immediately -- arguably too abruptly, but when something needs to end, I end it.
I don’t try to be extra nice to a woman to get her into bed because that isn’t my goal. And because it isn’t my goal and I know it isn’t hers either, once I know that that is the only option, I jump ship.
This may come off as cold to some, but when I look at the other option -- pretending and making the other person believe you feel a way you don’t -- there’s really only one right option.
People should be nice to people simply for the sake of being nice.
However, when you get to those relationships that are a bit more intimate, honesty, above all else, is necessary.
If you want to just have sex, then let them know you just want to have sex. You’d be surprised how many women will be more than OK with that.
If you are looking to simply see where things go, then be honest and say that -- but then when you see where things have gone, make sure you make it clear to the other person where things stand.
And if you know that a relationship won’t work out, then grow a pair and end things. Being kind for the wrong reasons is another form of abuse.
Photo Courtesy: Jenny Woods