Dear Men: When Did Asking For Anal Become As Casual As Asking Us Out?

by Lauren Martin

Women don't have faces anymore; we have asses.

Men don't need to look at our faces to pinch our cheeks, nor know our fronts before our backs.

It's all been backflipped.

I'm not saying I've been dating for years, but I've been dating long enough to know when a new trend has started, and ladies, I'm pretty sure we never signed off on this one.

As prepubescent teens, we never dreamed of dinner dates followed by eating out the booty.

We never imagined our good Christian boyfriend asking to explore God's loophole. And we definitely never envisioned a night of passionate sex to end with so much sh*t.

But now it seems like an inevitable part of the dating processes, or at least an inevitable part of an argument you're inevitably going to have.

You either give in, give up or give them the finger. But either way, it's going to keep coming up — or coming out.

So I must ask, when did anal become part of the game? Who put it on the menu? When did women have to start fighting for their right to pass on the ass?

Of course, whether a woman chooses to have anal or not shouldn't be judged. There is nothing wrong with anal.

A woman can do whatever she wants with her body. A woman should not, however, have to defend her choice on a daily basis.

It's a weird oxymoron because men are so inherently scared of females and their bowel movements.

The idea of farting, sh*tting or anything unsavory that happens down there must not be talked about. But when it comes to sticking a dick inside it, all's well that ends well.

What's most ironic is men refuse to play both sides. While they yearn to poke us, if we dare suggest switching roles, we're considered out of our minds.

We're perverse, inappropriate and out of line. Sorry men, for a minute we forgot we're just things to be poked and prodded.

So in defense of a woman's right to ask for the ass, here's all our theories we have about how ass became the new appetizer.

When you heard Drake talking about it?

There's no denying we're far from immune from subliminal messaging and good marketing.

When Drake (the celebrity everyone loves to hate) started talking about eating the booty, suddenly every other man wanted to know about it — perpetuating the belief that if celebrities are doing it, it must be good.

News flash guys, celebrities are also joining the Church of Scientology and getting ass implants.

When you thought it would keep her from getting pregnant?

You may lose the risk of having a kid, but you gain the risk of those nasty STDS. Of course, that risk runs higher in women, as they are exposed to it almost twice as much as men.

According to the National Institute of Health, while it's estimated only 2 percent of adult males in the US regularly practice anal receptive intercourse, at least 5 to 10 percent of females are more likely than men to have unprotected anal intercourse and at a larger risk for STDs of the anorectum

Not to mention, in the US, there are roughly 650,000 cases of gonorrhea, and it is the most common bacterial STD affecting the anorectum. Also, culture-positive rectal gonorrhea is asymptomatic in 50 percent of males and 95 percent of females.

When you thought she was as curious as you were?

News flash — she's not curious about it. She doesn't think about it, dream about it or yearn for it. It's actually never crossed her mind until you brought it up – day after day after day.

Now it's all she hears about. Now she has to constantly think about waxing it, bleaching it and toning it.

But what about you? What are you doing for her? When will you start bleaching and toning and waxing? Why is her ass the only ass being assessed?

When you got bored?

When missionary, doggy style and the millions of other positions were no longer enough for your sexual smorgasbord? When you had so much sex you had to flip the switch and completely change the game?

We're sorry that normal, vaginal sex became too boring for you, but to us, you just seem like children who can't enjoy the gifts they have.

When boobs went out and asses came in?

Body parts are not fads. They are not trends to be exploited and followed.

Every shape and every woman is beautiful, regardless of whether or not she adheres to the man-made ideals of beauty she's measured against.

Women have had fat asses for years; only now, however, are they getting credit for them. The same way skinny frames were in during the 90s, big lips and asses are the new runway fad of 2015.

When you decided to see our backs, not our fronts?

We try not to make this more than what it is, but if we really wanted to dissect and analyze it, we could say you've chosen to demean us to nothing more than a backside.

No longer are we just pretty faces to be had but two cheeks to be spread.