9 Times You Literally. Can't. Even. Deal With The Humidity
Anyone working in New York City this summer probably arrives at the office in a bad mood.
Why, you might ask?
Why, in this majestic, stunning, diverse city we're so lucky to be living in, would we resent every day between the middle of June and September?
Because of the humidity, of course.
When it's 90 degrees with about a 2,000 percent humidity level... we can officially say that humidity is the most obnoxious weather condition that exists.
Give me fog, give me snow, give me thunder and lightning, but I just. can't. even. with humidity.
The air is, literally, wet and it feels like you're trying to trawl through something painful.
It's uncomfortable, not to mention unattractive.
The only time this level of humidity would be acceptable is in a steam room, where you're allowed to be naked or when there's a freezing ocean at your toes.
You know when it's not acceptable? When you're in clothes, pretending to function. Aka, Every. Other. Day.
Behold, nine times you just can't even with humidity.
1. After a blowout.
So, you just spent $40 to get your hair done and you leave the salon feeling great. Your hair's shiny, it's bouncy and lustrous… for all of two seconds.
By the time you reach the corner, your hair is, in fact, wet. Your hairline is sweaty, meaning your newly straightened locks have kinked out of shape.
Soon, individual strands start sticking to your face. By the time you reach the subway stop, you can, quite literally, squeeze the ends of your hair and water would come out.
For the next three months, save the money and let it air-dry.
2. When your makeup drips.
You attempt to start each day looking like a fairly attractive version of yourself. Maybe a little bronzer, a tinted moisturizer, some powder. Mascara and eyeliner and you're good to go. Three minutes after leaving home, you feel the inevitable beads of moisture forming on your face.
You brush them away, nervous for what's coming next. Beads of sweat now to start run down your face, as though you'd been frantically exercising when, in actuality, you are standing stock-still in horror at what the 9,000,000 percent humidity is doing to your face.
Sweat and bronzer trickle down unevenly, leaving paler track marks in their wake. Your blush is somewhere near your chin, your mascara is on your forehead. Humidity + makeup = waste of time, waste of money.
Embrace the naked face.
3. A first date.
A walk in Central Park, or down the Highline or even a picnic in Madison Square Park all sound theoretically thoughtful and romantic. In reality, the entire 90 minutes is spent with you surreptitiously trying to wipe away the beads of sweat that keep re-forming on your upper lip and praying he doesn't notice.
If you're sitting in direct sunlight, your date will be the lucky guy who gets to watch what feels like your skin literally sliding off you. You fan yourself, you pat and swipe, to no avail.
Indoor dates only from now on, girls.
4. Boob sweat.
Ah, boob sweat. One of the worst things about big boobs, and possibly the least attractive thing about being well-endowed, is the sweat that forms in between and underneath your breasts.
The sweat that dries into a sticky pool, right onto your bra, and you know there's nothing you can do about it until you go home.
The best is when it's actually visible to everyone else around you, so you feel entirely conspicuous and uncomfortable for the rest of the day. Taking off your bra at the end of a hot sticky day is one of the best feelings in the world. Sadly, there's no solution for boob sweat.
Just be glad that 99 percent of the time, big boobs are an asset.
5. When you decided to walk.
Hopstop and GoogleMaps are a girl's best friend, but sometimes you're feeling a little ambitious and you fancy a walk. You set out, prepared to enjoy a 15 minute stroll, only to realize your destination is farther away that you anticipated.
By the time you arrive, you are unrecognizable to the girl who left home mere minutes ago. You're dripping all over the floor, your hair is now in a sweaty bun and you wish you'd just stayed home because no one wants to talk to you given that you look like this.
The moral of the story? When it's humid, cab it.
I. Just. Can't.
If going for a walk is torturous, envision me after a run. It's not pretty. Clothes stick to your body, sweat trickles from follicles and orifices you didn't know existed, and you leave droplets in your wake or on unfortunate people running alongside you.
An air-conditioned gym is the only way to go.
7. When people are confused.
“Wow, you must have jumped out the shower and ran here!' a co-worker remarked sympathetically as I arrived at work the other day.
I mean, I can see why she thought I hadn't had time to dry off after my shower, given that my clothes, hair and skin were soaking wet. In fact, that had happened during my four-block walk. Yup.
When people think you've just showered, go with it.
8. The smell.
It's no secret that New York stinks. Garbage, people, weird foods, urine… it's an exotic, delicious, blend. Made all the worse by humidity. The moisture absorbs the smell, making it hover in the air, lingering in wet, vile particles that you can almost feel as you walk through them.
Sometimes, especially when you walk by trash on the day before garbage day, the dampness in the humidity causes this smell to actually stick to your clothes, so you carry around that cloying smell for the entire day.
Call it a perfume, maybe it isn't just Mugatu who can make Derelicte happen.
It's nearly impossible to sleep in this wet, hot, sticky fog. You could sleep with the air conditioning on very high, as my brother Oliver advocates. Oliver, and everyone else, should know this is terrible for you.
Dry, recycled air is bad for the skin and immune system and you always wake up with a sore throat. I could rant about this for a long time.
The point is, having no AC is the healthier option, but means slightly damp sheets, a perpetual level of sweat from the minute you get into bed to when you wake up, and feeling like your linen's dirty when it isn't.
You can always change the sheets.
Photo via We Heart it