No Bromo: 7 Reasons Why Your Bro-Mate Is Your Soulmate For Life

by Dan Scotti

“No bromo.” Two words. Two powerful words. They’re short, they’re sweet, but goddamnit, do they speak volumes. “Bromo,” shortened from the noun “bromance,” refers to that special bond between two male specimens – let’s call them “bro-mates.”

Whether it be your college roommate, your lifelong friend or even your biological brother (which, in that case, adds a whole new level of authenticity to the phrase) – the union created by two bosom-buddies couldn’t be rivaled by even the most comely pair of breasts.

There’s no definite reason why, either, it’s just sort of a “guy thing.” Although, I will say, to outsiders – understanding the bond between two bro-mates can be difficult. Don’t be alarmed.

When you’re at the gym, don’t get the wrong idea when a dude tells the guy he’s spotting, “you’re looking big, no bromo” – as, generally, he’s saying so with utterly fraternal intentions. It’s just a compliment, and one of the many reasons bro-mates are also our soul mates. Here are 7 more.

You always have a wingman.

Wingmen are essential to the dating world, and have become something of a rare breed in today’s age. Fact is, with the prevalence of social media, you don’t really need someone else to brag about how cool and fabulous you are, anymore – that’s what Instagram is for.

But let’s say you’re at the bar, talking to a chick. You can’t pull out Instagram then, and that’s why the traditional wingman – meaning the one found beside the wing of a certain man – is invaluable.

Oh, you like a good sense of style? Well, you should meet my boy, right here. He’s vogue. Have you seen his black v-neck? Yeah, that’s Gaultier – oh, I know, he’s a visionary.

Realistically, your v-neck wasn’t Gaultier – at least not quite, it’s Hanes. Not to mention, your sense of style is generally restricted to whatever garments (on the floor of your apartment) aren’t stained. However, thanks to your wingman, you might get laid off the strength of your fashion sense, which, in actuality, is far from a strength. And that right there is the beauty of it all.

Ordering food is collaborative, stress-free and spectacular.

I love eating out with women – chill, you know what I mean. On dates, though, I’m always very tentative when it comes to ordering. I don’t want to look like a slob and adjure, like, the double bacon cheeseburger with seasoned fries. Especially being lactose intolerant and all.

Therefore, I always end up ordering a Caesar salad and risk looking like a bitch – it’s honestly better than breaking a sweat midway through the entree.

This drama never presents itself with your boy; in fact, sweating mid-meal is somewhat encouraged. Enter the magical world of “splitting sh*t.” When you’re eating with your homie, ordering food is a collaborative process. You won’t ever be confined to one dish, let alone a salad.

You want wings? True, I want a pizza. Should we get both and split? Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Wings, pizza and we’ll split a chicken parm hero.

You'll always have a date.

It’s cuffing season, so, yeah, every dude is out scrambling around, looking for a girlfriend. It makes sense, I suppose, there are a ton of “events” during this time of year.

Halloween, Thanksgiving, those two Jewish holidays in September – and that’s all before the official “holiday season” even starts. Once you factor in weddings and sh*t like that, you’ll realize why it’s crucial to have a significant other during the fall/winter season.

You’ll also realize how your bro can double as this significant other out on the town – obviously sans sexual benefits. It’s a tradeoff, surely, but don’t underestimate how rewarding formal occasions can be with another dude.

It’s like that Owen Wilson/Vince Vaughn dynamic from "Wedding Crashers," only a lot less funny. With a lot less random spurts of sex, too, probably.

You have someone to prevent you from acting upon your (at times) idiotic impulses.

When you’re working with a little daytime-buzz, after one too many kahlua-lattes, it’s not uncommon for a slew of bad ideas to spring into your noggin. These ideas may seem good to you; in fact, they may sound like the best ideas you’ve ever conjured up.

In reality, however, they’re ridiculous – and could potentially lead to the demise of your dignity, and presence across all platforms of social media, shortly thereafter.

Thankfully, you have big homie sitting next to you on the couch, ready to grab the bong in a minute's notice and let you know you better pump the brakes with the brainstorming.

At least until you stop talking about how you think you can “be the next Pitbull.” Like, dawg.

They’ll eliminate the “Steven Glansberg” effect.

You don’t always need a horde of cronies following behind you, like Danny from "Grease," most of the times, just one will suffice. That’s why police officers will typically have only one partner – and Cheech really only burned with Chong.

By having even one partner, one Chong, you will never find yourself playing the role of “Steven Glansberg." Who is Steven Glansberg? You ask? Watch this clip. You should understand why your “bro-mate” is your “soul mate” rather easily.

Video games 24/7.

I don’t care how old you get, you’re never too old for video games. Back when I graduated from high school and embarked upon my collegiate voyage, I was thinking to myself – ah, adulthood, time to put down that PS3 controller and pick up a Kindle Fire equipped with a digital subscription to The New Yorker.

Realistically, I put down that PS3 controller, all right – in exchange for a PS4 controller – about a day or two after the f*cking system got released.

That’s right, I spent roughly half-a-thousand-dollars in my early 20s to play video games, so you can rest assured I was NOT trying to play alone. Enter: your bro-mate, and latterly, constant video game glory. It’s like FIFA On-Demand.

Setting up your fantasy lineup is ½ as hard.

You’re going to need to have that one chum who you go in with on all things fantasy-sports. Season to season, you and your boy scour the draft boards, tinker with lineups and chase the glory that is your old fraternity’s fantasy league trophy.

While choosing the “George Steinbrenner” route of fantasy-autonomy will grant you more overall freedom within the league, co-owning a team with your boy has its own unique of benefits.

Think about it: You definitely don’t want to pay the entire league fee yourself, and you definitely don’t want the obligation of having to check your lineup nightly.

Plus, after a grueling season jam-packed with side bets and skepticism of collusion, get ready for your friendship with a co-manager to get catapulted into the stratosphere.

Photo Courtesy: Universal Pictures/Neighbors