I’ve lived in Los Angeles for almost seven years now.
Frankly, I don’t know why the majority of the US population isn’t crammed into Southern California.
Coming from Indiana and then Chicago, the weather alone is enough reason enough for me to never leave and wonder why it took me so long to arrive.
But of course, nothing is free of negatives.
We love our beautiful, sunny city filled with beautiful people, great bars, restaurants and abundant opportunity, but the flaws are glaringly annoying.
So, without further ado, I give you the top three people, places and things that drive Los Angelenos crazy:
1. Thirsty Actors
Thirsty actors are usually young and new to the city. There are thousands of them who get dropped here off of buses from Iowa, looking to make it big.
They were in one high school play and someone told them they were so good looking that they could be movie stars and they were delusional enough to believe it.
They see every person as an opportunity to further their careers, and most of them aren’t even very good.
They make a big show at auditions about their “process,” and make everyone else in the room look bad with their inept and amateur behaviors.
The good news is, some of them grow out of this behavior with time and experience.
The other ones start to party and realize the business isn’t as easy as they thought, and move back home, which is a win for all the permanent residents.
2. Hollywood Guy
Hollywood guy probably started out as a thirsty actor before realizing he had no talent for the arts, but was very good at being a business douche.
He worked his way up the food chain at an agency, record company or entertainment law firm and now feels like the world owes him.
He thinks because he can throw money around and take weekend trips to Miami and Vegas, he can get any girl he wants.
If you give him the cold shoulder, he will probably call you something very misogynistic and maybe throw in a, “do you know who I am?” to seal the deal.
This guy may drive a Lamborghini and wear Prada sunglasses, but it’s not enough to cover up his feelings of insecurity. He has to let everyone know how important he is. All the time.
3. Bad Drivers
My old roommate drives like a grandma. She made it one year in LA in, during which she complained every single day about aggressive drivers.
She would be honked at an average of three times during an easy drive to the grocery store and it stressed her out. I have a feeling she left because of that.
If you are slow, over the age of 80, looking for a meter spot on a busy street during heavy flow traffic, not a fan of the turn signal, a fan of texting while driving, stupid and/or incompetent, a motorcyclist, a biker or not sure of where you are going and make everyone behind you pay for it, then please do us all a favor and GET OFF THE ROAD.
You should all have your license revoked and be placed in a holding cell to think about what you’ve done.
We all have places to be, and the “sorry, traffic” excuse only works about 50 percent of the time.
Honorable Mention: Stupid Dog Owners
If you have a barky dog, don’t bring him or her to outdoor cafes or coffee shops.
If your dog isn’t well trained, please don’t bring him with us on the hike. And no, I won’t watch your dogs while you are away for the weekend, so please stop asking.
1. Hollywood And Highland
Hollywood and Highland is where dreams go to die.
As a tourist, I can understand the attraction because of the Walk of Fame and Grauman’s Chinese Theatre.
If you can elbow your way through the other tourists and failed actors dressed as action heroes, it’s a fun place to take a picture or two.
But then, you will want to hightail it out of there. It feels cheap, it’s dirty and the amount of pushy men trying to give you brochures for a bus tour is enough to turn you off forever.
What’s hilarious is Hollywood and Highland is where the Oscars and all the big movie premieres are held.
But, once the glamour is cleared away, all you'll see are novelty stores trying to bank off of that allure with cheap plastic trinkets for miles down the street.
2. The Valley
Not every Los Angeleno will agree with me on this one, but anytime a friend or acquaintance mentions to me that he or she lives in the valley, I chuckle a little to myself because that means I will literally never visit.
Why? It feels far. I live on the cusp of Hollywood near La Brea, which is a stone’s throw away from the 101, which can get you to the valley in 20 minutes during non-peak hours.
The problem is, unless it’s between the early morning hours of 3 and 6 am, every moment of the day is peak hours.
Also, it’s 10 degrees hotter than the other side of the hill and no one has a pool. No thanks. Also, families. Once I’m at the stage of my life of having a family, the valley will be perfect.
Until then, I’m pretty much only there for an audition or to go to the Ikea in Burbank.
This is a selfish, personal choice. There are plenty of people who love Koreatown, but I have no idea why.
It’s a poor man’s downtown without any of the cool bars and restaurants. Sure there is a lot of culture and Korean BBQ, which is awesome, but the bad outweighs the good.
First of all, there are zero places to park. You have to desperately drive around for an hour, praying someone will leave soon.
Many other neighborhoods have a similar parking issue, but at the very least, you can always find a meter. In Koreatown? Nope.
One of my best friends lives in Koreatown and you can hear kids laughing and screaming and mariachi music playing through her walls at all hours.
She has no central air, no laundry in the building, no dishwasher, no parking and the building is older than dirt, so literally everything needs to be replaced but hasn’t yet.
I mean, the exposed brick is nice, and to each their own, but I would sooner die than live there.
Cockroaches have scarred me for life. My old apartment had little ones that would pop up from time to time, which would lead me to screech louder than Drew Barrymore in the opening scene of “Scream.”
My ex-boyfriend had very large ones in his apartment in — surprise! — Koreatown.
You can’t walk down the street at night without them scurrying across your feet once or twice.
And then, during the day, you have to dodge their smashed bodies on the sidewalk so you don’t track any bug juice into your own place. It’s horrifying.
2. The Water Shortage
If I had a dollar for overtime a day passed without someone posting an article saying, “California is Drying Up!” on Facebook or brought up the shortage during casual conversation, I would have no dollars.
Last summer, during peak popularity for the ALS ice bucket challenge, I was reprimanded for using water from my kitchen faucet instead of from a pool. “We have a water shortage, you monster,” they said.
If only these people knew the other ways in which I wasted water... they would never speak to me again.
Don’t get me wrong; I have been more careful, but the fact that we can’t even offer water at restaurants anymore seems a little extreme.
I don’t want to sound insensitive to this issue, but I do hope it rains for an entire year straight so we can stop talking about it.
3. The Cost Of Living
My car insurance is triple what my brother, who lives in Indiana, pays.
One-bedroom apartments under $1500/month are considered a steal and if you want to pay anything under $1,000/month, you most definitely have to live with a roommate.
If you don’t want to die in a sauna-like environment, you have to have your AC running for about nine months out of the year. That makes for a very expensive electric bill each month.
Speeding tickets are $400 and parking tickets range from $70-$85. Parking meters downtown are $2/hour. Gas prices are usually higher here than anywhere else in the US.
At nice restaurants, martinis are $16 made with well vodka.
Uber is constantly in surge pricing for some odd reason, and if you plan on even having one drink, you must use a car service. There are too many cops and too much traffic for you to take a chance.
If you’re an actor, forget it. With headshots, classes, workshops, online services, self-productions, hair and makeup products, gas usage and gym memberships, just plan on always being broke.
I love LA and will probably live here for life, but that doesn't mean it's perfect. It's still better than the East Coast though, no question.