There’s a lot of playful talk among young people about being “old souls.”
It’s become sort of cute to say, “I went to bed at 10:30 pm last night! I’m so old!” I don’t like to paint with broad stokes, but everyone who has ever said this is lying.
It’s not your fault you haven’t met me; I’m usually doing crossword puzzles in my pajamas somewhere that isn’t my house.
I’ve compiled a list of things that prove I’m not an “old soul,” but rather, “I am old.” Ever since I emerged from the womb, I’ve been a 75-year-old man.
It’s not a competition (if it were, I would win), but here are some of the reasons I’m a senior citizen trapped in a 20-something’s body.
1. I avoid foods that make me gassy.
I was born with a sensitive stomach and can’t have fried, greasy foods. I’ll be sure to mention this to you while we’re eating.
2. Old ladies love me.
I’ve yet to find a non-creepy way to describe this phenomenon, but it’s true. I’m an old-lady magnet. They think I’m a riot, and they're always telling me I’m handsome. I’m totally killing it with the old lady demographic.
3. Loud noises are the worst.
My definition of loud is a bit more sensitive than that of most people. I’m always turning down the radio at work, or telling people to lower their voices. Can’t we all just whisper?
4. I squint at everything.
My eyesight isn’t even all that bad, but I still scrunch my whole face up like it’s made of pizza dough to try to read better. Street signs, price tags and even people’s faces are clearer if I squint at them.
5. I don’t identify with young people.
I think I’m wiser than the other 22-year-olds I encounter. Whether or not that’s true, they are a separate people, full of energy and positivity that even at age 5 I did not possess.
When I hear someone my age announce it, I don’t think, “Oh, cool. We’re the same age.” Instead I think, “WE ARE OF A DIFFERENT SPECIES. HOW ARE WE BOTH 22? H-O-W?”
6. An early bird special is a night out.
Taking advantage of dinner specials is like Christmas morning. So much bang for your buck! It’s such a great value that it becomes the focal point of the whole evening.
7. Eating makes me tired.
After a diner run, I’m ready for bed. My friends are usually thinking about what they’re going to do after we eat, all while I’m snoring into my pea soup.
8. I don’t trust Obama.
This president said he’d be different! Now, he just looks totally decimated by the whole system. It’s like whatever light bulb you plug into that socket just ends up burning out. Remember, “Obama! Change!” What happened to all that malarkey?
9. I use words like “malarkey.”
10. I don’t care about how I look.
I’ve been to Target at 8 am to buy toiletries in my pajamas. I don’t comb my hair, and I often don’t shave. A stranger once came up to me at the mall and said, “Everything’s gonna be okay, buddy.”
11. I’ve given up on certain basic manners.
I thought about paying a parking ticket by check and writing, “F*ck you!” in the memo line. I don’t feel like talking to cashiers, so sometimes, I’ll just ignore them when they greet me, and then walk away before they can hand me the receipt.
12. Everything is too expensive.
When I do speak to people when I’m shopping, it’ll probably be something like, “The prices of everything are going up!” Sometimes, I’ll tell the clerk that my subtotal is “ridiculous,” regardless of the fact that he didn’t make the prices.
13. I like to talk about the good old days.
I’ve got such rose-colored glasses for the 1990s. It was a different time then…
14. I’ve had a colonoscopy.
If you’re not convinced yet, last year I had an upper endoscopy and colonoscopy. I bonded with people my own age in the waiting room. By, “people my own age,” I mean everyone in there was over 60.
15. I parent every child I’ve ever met.
I don’t know how to talk to kids, and for some reason my default is to try and teach them some kind of moral. I don’t have any children of my own, but I am very much a “dad” at heart.
16. I don’t "get" technology
I don’t understand what the “cloud” is, and I can’t figure out why so many people take “selfies.” I read instruction manuals to try to make sense of things, but that usually just confuses me even more.
17. Movie matinees at 11 am are a bargain.
Much like early bird specials, matinees are so cheap. Plus, you get to enjoy the movie with a bunch of retirees, which is its own form of entertainment in and of itself.
18. I feed the birds.
I throw any leftover bread in my yard for the birds to pick at. Yes, I also do this in my robe.
19. I have a day planner.
I barely use it, but I’ve got one. It has helped improve my ability to remember things by 0 percent.
20. Getting out of bed is my exercise for the day.
I grunt while I perform any sort of physical activity whatsoever.
21. I get the newspaper from the driveway in my robe.
I also greet the mailman this way. We once spoke about how we’re on the same medication. He’s 60.
So, before you brag about how old you seem in comparison to people your own age, just remember: I’ve had a colonoscopy.