It’s that time of the month again: Your paycheck has been completely depleted. After dishing out rent, grocery money and a few epic nights out and about, you realize the total in your bank account is a smaller number than your blood alcohol content from a week ago.
But, in order to compensate for the fact that you are terribly, terribly broke, you’ve come up with some pretty ridiculous ways to make it through to your next paycheck:
1. You skimp out on hygienic products.
You find yourself weighing how badly you need that new razor. Really, it’s sweater weather. Who will see those armpits anyway? And, that shampoo you usually buy because it makes your hair smell amazing? Replace it with a generic brand, which remains, like a one-night stand that won’t stop texting you.
2. You learn to like a free TV show on Netflix.
Back in the heyday, when you knew what wealth was, you treated yourself to movies and books you knew you would like. Now, you skim Netflix for something semi-decent or scour the Internet to see if you can find pirated shows online. For free. With dozens of pop-ups.
3. You can’t even look at a bar.
Was it only last Saturday you were enjoying a cocktail with friends and singing along with a cute guitarist hovering sexily over the microphone? You walk by that bar, but you can’t look inside — the memories are too expensive.
4. You have a set limit for how much you can spend per day.
You really want to go over your allotted $12 dollars and treat yourself to a latte, but then, you remember you already spent it on ramen, and even that was a difficult purchase.
You might consider going over the daily limit, but the amount of money you have in your account is etched into your brain, and you know you’re pushing it as it is.
5. You hit up all of your friends/ex-lovers/parents.
“You know,” you say on the phone while your stomach grumbles, “I haven’t seen you in forever! How about a full-course dinner at my favorite restaurant? Do you mind if it’s your treat?”
6. You’ve already thought about your homeless life, in case you can’t make rent.
Life on the road seemed so glamorous when you went through your Jack Kerouac-obsessive phase. Now you think about how you will survive if you don’t have a place to sleep at night.
You could always move back in with Mom and Dad, but you would have to wait for your aunt to move out of the basement, and the couch smells bad. Instead, you’re pretty sure you should acquire some fingerless gloves and maybe lose a few teeth to gain some sympathy.
7. You get creative with your excuses regarding why you can’t go do anything.
Nothing is worse than admitting you’re broke, especially when you were buying rounds of drinks for everyone only about a week ago. So, you make excuses about how you just really need to stay in a clean your apartment this weekend, or you were kidnapped, or something.
8. You find new ways to wear clothes for multiple seasons.
If you had money, you would be out buying new stuff all the time! However, you don’t, so you end up modifying your winter dress you usually wear with tights to make it a spring dress, with no tights.
People keep asking you if you’re roasting. “Oh, no!” you say, “I’m always cold. This is great.” You say this despite the obvious pit stains and red face.
9. You know exactly how much money you have in your wallet/bank account.
Twenty-three dollars and 62 cents.
10. You’re thinking about stealing a new pair of jeans.
It’s been a week since you've had any money at all, and the most food you’ve managed to grab is a slice of depressing pizza from a street vendor. There’s a notable gap between your waistband and your stomach, and you’re sick of pulling your pants up while walking around.
Would anyone notice a missing pair of pants from Forever 21? Honestly?
Oh, wait. There it is! Your paycheck! Anyone up for a celebratory drink?