The beauty of a true best friendship is you can be your absolute CREEPIEST, WEIRDEST, FREAKAZOID self with this wonderful human being.
She's seen you at your absolute worst. I'm talking dry-heaving-over-a-toilet-and-incoherently-cursing-your-ex-boyfriend-from-freshman-year-of-high-school worst. I'm talking burn-scars-on-your-vagina-from-when-you-tried-to-DIY-Brazilian worst.
The point is, your relationship holds no secrets.
It’s not a romantic relationship. Even though it often feels like it, you're not dating her. Which means there is no “mystery” you need to keep alive. There is no “sex appeal” you have to maintain.
No, you can just be f*cking disgusting. And that disgustingness mixed with your undying love opens up the doors for some WEIRD sh*t you guys can do together.
There are cute things we do with our besties that we post all over Instagram and Facebook because, OMG, we are adorable, and who wouldn't want to be us? And then there's this stuff -- the stuff that happens behind closed doors and remains there...until now.
Here are the 30 weirdest things you do with your best friend behind closed doors.
1. Sympathy-cry together
That time you started crying because your ex broke up with you, and then your best friend loved you so much and felt so bad that SHE started crying too.
2. Wipe each other's dangling boogers
Why waste time telling you it’s there when she could just wipe that sh*t right off?
3. Check each other's vaginas to make sure they're normal
"Does yours do this???"
4. Check each other's nipples to make sure they're normal
"These aren’t pepperonis are they?? Or wait, don’t leave! Is the right one inverted?? I feel like it’s kind of inverted."
5. Pop each other's monster zits
No, she didn’t ask if she could pop it. She just saw it and squeezed the living daylight right out of that sucker.
6. Binge eat literally anything within reach
PIZZA! CREAM CHEESE! CAKE! TOMATOES! JUICE! GIMME ALL THE FOODS!
7. Split a bottle of alcohol (yes, just alcohol)
Date and a fifth! Except it’s just you two on the couch.
8. Watch some seriously weird sh*t
Porn? YouTube video of a little girl crying as she sings Fetty Wap at her goldfish’s funeral?
9. Spend hours crafting one text message
OK, so you’re SURE I shouldn’t go with “heyyy” instead of "hey"??
10. Fantasize about your futures together
And THEN we’ll get a joint lake house with our families and our kids will hang out and maybe my son will marry your daughter, which will only be kind of weird because they're god-siblings?!?
11. Spiral downward together
You know, that time you guys started off kind of sad, and then you just REALLY LET IT RIP into ugly-Kim-Kardashian cry faces.
12. Plan every detail of your wedding to God-knows-who
So, black bridesmaid dresses, princess cut ring, buffet, winery in Napa. All we need is a man.
13. Make weird noises
And you both understood what they meant.
14. Make her feel your hairy legs
C’MON, TOUCH THEM! THEY DON’T BITE!
15. Burp in each other’s faces
And it was so gross and so great at the same time.
16. Dutch Oven each other
17. Text her weird things even though you're in the same room
And it was only creepy things. Just to creep her out.
18. Extensively discuss bikini lines
“So you’re saying I should be keeping a little bit of hair there?!?”
19. Hold each other until you fall asleep
Usually this takes place as you cry.
20. Do some weird voodoo to your exes
Like, IDK, wrote his name over and over again on a piece of paper and then burned it or wrote his name on a cake that you cut into a million pieces and ate?
21. Talk some merciless sh*t
Not the watered-down gossip you do with casual friends. No, I mean when you called her a water buffalo with a terrible personality.
22. Start to talk about boys but realize you like each other more
At the end of the day, who else even matters?
23. Have an entire conversation in a really weird accent
“Where are we getting da dinna, mon?!” (that was me trying to type a Jamaican accent)
24. Make her come look at your poop
“Seriously, LOOK at this sh*t! Haha, literally.”
25. Have an extensive conversation about the sweet relief that came with that poop
“It was like all my worries went away with it.”
26. Teach each other weird sex things
Like when you use a pillow and really get into how to do reverse cowgirl properly.
27. Completely disregard what each other had to say
“John said he loved me!!”
“Ugh... I can’t decide if I should buy these jeans.”
Yes, the two of you are technically speaking to each other. But are you having the same conversation? No.
28. Smell-check each other
When she literally got all up in your armpit to make sure you were good.
29. Read deeply into every interaction you have ever had with a male, ever
"So he looked at me from across the street and then…he kept walking."
"OMG, what street? And then in what direction did he walk??"
30. Listen to the same song on repeat 38 times in a row
Because “Dancing Queen” is SO GOOD.