Let’s talk about sex, baby.
Whether you’re doing it or not, sex definitely has some sort of presence in your life.
This generation of 20-somethings live in a hook-up culture; we have sex casually until we eventually wind up in some kind of relationship.
It’s a fun, pressure-free arrangement that has led to countless misunderstandings, heartbreaks and confusions.
I used to be very shy and innocent about sex, never wanting to rock the boat or bring it up.
But, during the past few years, I’ve grown confident in myself and my own sexuality, thanks to some really healthy relationships and some not-so-healthy ones.
Sex is a crazy and unpredictable act and you never know how it will ultimately make you feel.
I’ve had bad sex with people I’ve I loved, great sex with people I’ve kind of hated and everything in between. It’s been bumpy (literally), but I’ve enjoyed every second of the crazy ride (hah!) I’m on.
Up until recently, I had never had really, really bad sex.
I thought I had, but I had no idea how lucky I’d been in the past. You hear about people having eye-opening, amazing sex; well this was eye-opening, awful sex.
I won’t go into detail since I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but to put it vaguely, it was kind of like he was trying to drill as hard as he could for gold that he was not going to find.
It hurt, got messy (not in a good way) and as I laid there, trying not to cringe or laugh, I began to have so many thoughts and ideas about what sex has turned into for our generation.
It also got me thinking about what I could do so I never end up in that situation again.
1. Trust your intuition.
Within the first two minutes of meeting this guy, I knew he wasn’t my type and I knew I wasn’t his either. I’m not normally the type to be attracted to guys who wear tighter than I do, or who care about the brand of the shoes they’re wearing, but I found him attractive anyway.
He was cute, confident and a lot of fun. My gut told me immediately that this was never going to go anywhere, which was exactly what I wanted.
After an emotionally exhausting few months, all I wanted was something brief, emotionless and carefree.
I didn’t care about him, and he didn’t care about me. Perfect.
While this situation is a great example of what the hook-up culture is all about, there is a big difference between feelings and respect.
As we sat in a crowded bar chatting, I asked about his business, family and life.
I was interested; I love the experience of learning about different people. But, when it was my turn to tell my own stories, I could see his eyes glaze over or scan around the bar.
If a person doesn't respect you as the awesome, interesting human being that you are, he or she certainly won't give you much respect in the pleasure department.
Actually, I think that should be a general rule about anyone you let into your life. One thing I know for sure is that life is too short to waste on people who don’t appreciate how amazing and unique every inch of you is.
2. It's all a give and take.
It’s true that it takes two to tango, and to be honest, I know I’m guilty of not giving my best effort in this situation. Sex is about giving, receiving and sharing something awesome with another person.
I’m aware of what my skills are and when I am into it, I’m really good. Maybe it was an off night, maybe I got lazy and maybe the same could be said for the guy.
The investigator inside of me is frustrated that there wasn't a second chance to find out, but then again, the independent woman inside of me is pretty sure she didn’t want to go through that kind of sex again.
Either way, neither of he nor I was really that concerned about what the other person wanted in the moment.
When we’re young, we’re selfish. This is a good thing in some aspects; I fully believe that every young person should be living for him or herself. However, when it comes to sex, no one wins when someone is being selfish. You get what you give.
Also: C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N. I don’t know why it’s so hard to speak up and tell someone what you want, but it is. How is a person going to give you what you want if he or she doesn’t know what the hell it is?
I had only hung out with this fewer than a handful of times, and I was afraid of making it awkward or embarrassing him by telling him what I like and what to do.
But why? It probably would have been less uncomfortable for me and way better for both of us.
For some reason, as a girl, it feels bossy and shrill. I sometimes feel like I have to maintain this innocent and sweet demeanor with guys, but that’s not really me. So, let’s change that and start speaking up, people. It's way more fun that way.
3. There is no such thing as a "mistake" when you're young.
I was sitting around the other night with a group of my friends and we were all sharing our cringe-worthy sex stories, laughing and feeling a little less embarrassed about the things we've gone through.
While we were chatting, I noticed that no one’s story included any regrets. That made me so happy, because had all these different stories not taken place, we wouldn't have had those great conversations.
I spent the majority of the past year with a man who was almost 10 years older than I am, and I think in that relationship, I let myself forget how young I actually am. The past few months have been the most freeing time of my life because I am young and I am going to freakin’ enjoy it.
Sure, I've done stupid stuff and been silly and embarrassed,but it all led to great stories and inspiration that have given me the ability to laugh at myself.
I don’t see sleeping with this guy, for whom I didn't have feelings, as a mistake. Overall, I had a fun time and I’m going to continue having a blast with everything I do.
I see so many people my age consistantly stressing out about making the wrong choice or messing something up. They create drama for themselves, but in reality, everything will work out fine; all you need to do is trust yourself.
4. Not giving a f*ck is the most freeing feeling in the world.
About a week after “the incident,” I met a guy in a pub.
We ended up spending the night together and having a 24-hour adventure driving all around Ireland the next day.
Unlike the previous guy, this was someone who was my type. It was the opposite situation; I could he liked me and I had an amazing time with him.
However, I decided not to answer his texts after because I wanted to leave it as a perfect memory. As I said earlier, I’m young and I just want to enjoy right now without any attachments.
I realize that even though I thought I was embarrassed about how bad the sex was, I actually did not give a f*ck. It’s life and awkward stuff happens, but then, equally wonderful stuff will happen to balance out the bad.
For the first time in my life, I genuinely don’t care what other people think about me. I have an amazing group of friends for whom I would do anything, and they would also do anything for me.
Put me in any situation and I will make it fun. I wear my Tom’s to clubs instead of blisteringly painful, sky-high heels, and I will never be the type of girl whose makeup you’ll find caked all over your pillowcase the next morning. I am confident in myself, and I have a life that I am head-over-heels in love with.
So what if I had terrible sex? I still love the game anyway.