I’d like to tell you that you can smoke before anything; that weed will always alleviate a tense situation and make everything funnier.
Unfortunately, I've been on enough weird first dates and awkward visits to grandma's nursing home to know that there is most definitely a certain time and place in which you don't bring the reefer along.
Smoking before the wrong event can turn a serious and important situation into a very awkward one. Sometimes it's just not acceptable to show up with red eyes and a hankering for Pringles (just ask my mom).
So as you get older and begin to smoke before more and more things, you must also learn to establish just exactly when and where it's acceptable to show up stoned and where it never will be OK (even after legalization).
Before A First Date
Everyone knows it's alcohol before first dates, never bong hits.
Before The SATs
Although you're more inquisitive on weed, that inquisitiveness will only make you think about who invented the word "apocryphal" rather than find it's antonym. Why do we speak? Who invented words?
Before Crossfit Training
Thank you, but I think I'd rather lie on the floor while you guys keep going.
Before An Interview
Unless you're interviewing for Cartoon Network's janitor or Seth Rogan's assistant, they won't find it an asset that you smoke.
Before A Funeral
If you think thinking about death when you're high is trippy, imagine looking at it in the face, literally.
Before "12 Years A Slave"
There are some movies where weed not only doesn't enhance the experience but makes you want to leave and question your entire existence.
Before Meeting The Parents
You must be on your best behavior. Talking about how their beautiful family vase looks just like that alien's severed head from "District 9" won't earn you points (even if it was spot on).
Your Court Date
Don't pull a Winona and get f*cked up before sitting in court trying to plead that you weren't f*cked up.
I've never been to war but I can imagine smoking a joint before entering the trenches won't keep you from sh*tting your pants.
A Sample Sale
You'll either spend tons of money because you can rationalize your way to anything or you will have a panic attack and start stripping.
Moving is a hassle and a half, and smoking before will just make you believe that sitting on your couch in the middle of the street is sufficient.
Your Gyno Appointment
You really want to be paranoid while someone's examining your cooch?
Having someone in your mouth who isn't making out with it isn't a good look.
Before A Brazilian
Weed does not numb pain.
If you're about to be cut open you don't want to be in your head too much.
Before A Strep Test
Getting stoned isn't going to stop the gag reflex or your doctors disapproving looks.
Before Visiting Grandma In The Nursing Home
If you really want to bug out, then walk into a house with hundreds and hundreds of old people.
Before A TSA Screening Check
I'm pretty sure bus drivers aren't allowed to hotbox, although that's something I'd buy a ticket for.
Before Your Dance Recital
You may think you'll be more agile, but you'll just forget all the steps.
Before Hosting The Oscars
Even James Franco couldn't get away with it.
Before Office Hours
Just because you're not in class doesn't mean your teacher will want to spark up with you.
Before Your Wedding
It's a beautiful day, you're going to want to remember it.
Before Reporting A 911 Call
You're going to bug out when cops walk into your house whether it's for you or not.
Before Calc Homework
It can take you two hours or eight; take your pick.
Before You Breakup With Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend
You won't be more compassionate, you'll just be cheesing through the whole thing.
Before Going To The Supermarket
Unless you want to come home with fried chicken, Oreos and some Asian noodles from the cold buffet in the middle of ACME, don't do it.
Honorable mention: Before writing this article.
Photo Credit: We Heart It