15 Reasons Life With A Fake ID Was Better Than Life With A Real One
Oh life, pre-21 years old. We used to be so creative -- in the ways we occupied our free time, in strategizing how to get into the underage bar, in fooling our parents -- what happened to that young, carefree time in our lives?
We genuinely enjoyed going bowling sober. We got drunk to celebrate actually getting into the bar, not to drown out the fact that we had to go there for a drink.
Every night we went out was exciting, full of questions and surprises. Would we get in? Would someone get left behind? What happens if I’m challenged? Do I know my middle name?
Perhaps it was our newbie tolerances. Perhaps it was that we were too young and inexperienced to have a cultivated liquor preference. But boy, are we nostalgic for life before 21.
Here’s why life with a fake ID was better than with a real one.
1. There was no such thing as a hangover
Our brains could still function at optimal levels, despite drowning them in liquor the night before.
You could fill the entire night funnelling beers and getting into trouble, and still manage to spend the next day in the library studying.
If only we saved some of that brain power for now.
2. “Pass back” wasn’t someone stealing your boyfriend
It actually meant to pass something back, as in your fake ID so that you’re annoying friend who lost hers last week could reuse it to get in after you.
Passing back was kind of like betting on high risk stocks: You assumed a lot of uncertainty, but the payout was even bigger.
3. You spent more time studying your ID than actually studying
Half the fun of your fake was how real you could take it. You weren't just you, but Jenina, the 31-year-old Colombian whose father owns the entire fair coffee trade SO YOU BETTER BE LET IN NOW MISTER.
4. You were more concerned about getting in with your boyfriend than you were about fighting with him
You couldn’t waste the novelty of getting inside by arguing with your adolescent boyfriend.
It was more important to have fun, update your BBM status and make sure you posted photos to Facebook. At least you kind of had your priorities straight?
5. You looked hotter
Not only did you still have your naturally youthful good looks (before alcohol and drugs and sunshine stripped them from you), but you also had to dress much hotter to convince the bouncer to let you in.
Who cares if you were really 16 and looked like a baby-faced prostitute? Your ID says you’re 23 anyway.
6. 96 percent of the people in the bar were older than you
Now, 96 percent of the people in the bar are younger than you.
It’s way less fun to go to bars now, only to be reminded that you were once hot and young and ripe-livered like that 17-year-old in a crop top. Since when did every single bar become a teen club?
Or maybe you’re just getting older… Sigh.
7. There was no distinction between good alcohol and bad alcohol
As long as it was alcohol, you were very happy. You didn’t feel compelled to blow your paycheck on top-shelf fancy cocktails or complain about the pour.
You’re happy simply because you got served, just like the movie.
8. Your memory was better...
...Until you blacked out. As long as you could remember your fake ID’s horoscope, who really cared about recalling all the black-out angry things you said?
9. Every night was like planning a Special Ops mission
“OK, first we walk up in this specific order. Megan, you go first because you have the biggest boobs and look the oldest.”
“Remember, never look the bouncer in the eye. He’ll know your weakness.”
“Once you make it past, keep walking. The others will follow.”
“It’s every man for himself out there. We’re hoping no one gets left behind.”
When has waiting on line ever been this thrilling since?
10. You didn’t mind waiting in lines because it meant you were still able to say you were “at the bar”
As opposed to “rejected from the bar.” Basically, waiting on line meant you could delay the inevitable and cram in some extra fake ID study time.
And if (karma forbid!) you got turned down, you weren’t upset that you were standing outside longer than you were actually inside because there was a reason for it.
Now when you can’t get in, you pretty much lose your sh*t.
11. You went to an array of bars
Because you had to be sure they would sell to minors. If it weren’t for your fake ID, you would have never tried smoking hookah or gone sake bombing or visited the dive-iest of dive bars.
You wouldn’t have those sketchy memories of wearing a raunchy sombrero at the only Mexican joint that would serve you at your 19th birthday dinner.
Moments with your fake ID were more priceless than a MasterCard.
12. You knew who your true friends were
It was every man for himself out there.
13. You could be 25 years old without any of the responsibilities
Or a 31-year-old with blue eyes or a 24-year-old 5’8” goddess with blonde hair.
The more ridiculous the fake identity was, the more fun you had when you got in. You could be anybody.
14. Every night was the BEST night
The drinks tasted stronger. You spent money out of sheer excitement that you got in. The guys were more fun because they were older.
And now, in order to mildly enjoy yourself, you have to go to places where you can’t even pronounce the names of the beer.
15. Your mom didn’t think you were destroying your life
She genuinely believed you were going out and making something of yourself -- not drinking and prematurely destroying your brain cells. But it was all a lie. You weren’t you. You were fake ID you.
And in some respects, you knew more about that fake person than you did yourself.