12 Things Each Zodiac Sign Is Probably Doing Right Now
Sure, we're all unique snowflakes.
However, having studied the zodiac my entire life, I could pick any sign out of a lineup based on a few typical behaviors.
I can guarantee that somewhere out in the world, there's someone with their sun in each zodiac sign doing the following things:
Aries: Blogging About Someone To Smear Their Name
Somewhere in the world out there, an Aries is blogging about being bullied to bully the person they're blogging about. Someone hurt their feelings, so they take it upon themselves to spread the word far-and-wide that this person should never be spoken to, hired, dated, or even spoken to ever again.
It's 2017, maybe it's time to accept that blogging to smear someone is a form of cyber-bullying, Aries.
Taurus: Ordering Food To A Place That Serves Food Already
Rude or not, Taurus knows what good food is and they're not gonna lower their tastes for the sake of some establishment that hasn't bothered to improve theirs. Get your sh*t together, bar owners. Taurus will eat their gourmet delivery food on the sidewalk before they try your crappy chicken wings.
Gemini: Texting "U Up?" To A Leo While Laying In A Capricorn's Bed
Loyalty is for chumps. You know who Gemini is loyal to? Their damn selves. Why shouldn't they be?
Maybe if the rest of us acted more like Gemini, Capricorn would stop demanding that they be treated like they're special and unique without acting special or unique.
Cancer: Greeting Everyone At The Party Except The Guy Who Looked At Them Weird Once
Somewhere in the world, a Cancer is going around the party shaking hands, and when they get to that person who they think probably-maybe looked at them kinda weird that one time, they are doing a straight up fake-out.
If they didn't want to feel socially ostracized, they should've greeted Cancer with a warm embrace reminiscent of a mother's love.
Leo: Texting Nudes and Complimenting Themselves Before The Person Texts Back
Leo will text you their nudes and follow it up immediately with "I am the hottest person alive" before you get the chance to respond.
This doesn't mean they aren't asking for a compliment, though. They are. They're asking for a compliment that is somehow better than "you are the hottest person alive," so get creative.
Virgo: Yelling, "EVERYONE PLEASE SHHHHH!" In A Library
Somewhere out there is a Virgo yelling complaints in a library, or loudly criticizing the fit of someone's wedding dress while they're at the reception.
It's not that they're trying to be rude, they're trying to help! How is the world going to get better if nobody is out here making comments about how it can be improved?
Libra: Is Waving At Somebody Who Was Waving At Somebody Else
You can bet your mother that there is a Libra out there showing up at a party on their own, just praying that someone they know is there so they have someone to make them feel complete.
Their hope is so strong they'll jump the gun and yell "HELLO!" at the first person they see waving, before realizing that person was waving at someone else. They will spend the rest of the party on their phone, pretending to text.
Scorpio: Is Fantasizing About F*cking A Character From The Sopranos
Scorpio is attracted to more than just physical attributes, OK?
They're attracted to mystery, secrets, and power. That's why you can pretty much bet that one is out there right now trying to fall back asleep to continue the dream they were having about f*cking Tony Soprano on his yacht in a pile of money and drugs.
Sagittarius: Showing Up To A Party Empty Handed And Critiquing The Guacamole
Sagittarius is dogmatic as hell; they think they know everything. Which is why they'll show up at a party empty-handed and accuse the person who brought guacamole of cultural appropriation.
OK, so maybe white guys don't make the best guacamole, but if you're another white guy who brought a lot of nothing to the barbecue, maybe shut the f*ck up, Sagittarius.
Capricorn: Googling Sex Parties During A Work Meeting
Capricorn is a traditional sign with a lot of very important responsibilities and a long to-do list. At the top of that to-do list is their number one deepest desire: to wile the f*ck out.
It's been at the top of their list for their entire lives, but they just can't seem to get around to it. That won't stop them from Googling orgies while they're meeting with their company's board of directors, though.
Aquarius: Philosophically Connecting With Someone While Picturing Them In A Leather Sex Swing
Aquarius is attracted to someone's mind. They need a deep conversation to stimulate their curious intellect, which is directly connected to their genitalia.
Somewhere out there in the world there's an Aquarius pondering the mysteries of the universe while they think about hooking you up to the sex swing in their kink-dungeon.
Pisces: Feels Like They're Dying Inside But Hiding It So They Don't Bum Everyone Else Out
Somewhere out there is a Pisces who literally feels like they might be dying slowly, but they don't want to inconvenience anyone with their feelings so they keep them 100 percent under wraps. They're the sign that comes to a dinner party but doesn't tell anyone they're allergic to shellfish until they're on the ground convulsing.
"The lobster was really delicious though, don't feel bad," they'll say, as they're wheeled out on a stretcher.