Getting drunk is like an obstacle course for bad conversations. The reasons for this are pretty clear cut. I see three main causes of terrible drunk conversations:
1. Drunk people are incredibly passionate about things -- even things they normally don't care about.
2. Drunk people are balls at expressing themselves.
3. Drunk people are very combative when disagreed with.
Every time you have found yourself in or around a drunk conversation that made you feel like you were on the precipice of a boredom heart attack -- one of those three qualities was definitely at the heart of it.
So you know what to avoid this weekend when you are poisoning your bloodstream with expensive joy-liquid, here are what I consider the top five worst kinds of conversations to get stuck in while drunk.
You don't even know what you're talking about.
I call this one the "friendship hammer" because it can make two people who like each other very much want to stab each other in the face with a corkscrew.
In this conversation, there will usually be absolutely zero facts or statistics referenced -- and if they are referenced, they will be 70 percent made up or misremembered.
Tip: If you hear any politics buzzwords -- "Hillary," "partisan," "'The Walking Dead' isn't that good" -- just get up and tweet puns in the bathroom.
2. Fighting with your significant other
Come on! It's not my fault you misunderstood what I was saying. I'm sorry you got offended at something I didn't do. We good?
Watching a drunk person whose significant other is angry with them is one of life's little delights -- but being that drunk person is armageddon.
It always happens like this: You just said something that offended your significant other and you are trying to deal with it at lightspeed so you can go back to having fun -- which just makes everything way worse.
So, basically, you're like a person skipping through a sunny field, happy and carefree -- then you step on a mine and blow your foot off. At first, you pretend you still have two feet and try to keep skipping. Then, when that doesn't work, you try to reconnect the foot as quickly as possible and by any means necessary -- which just makes everything worse and then you have to hop and watch "30 Rock" because you were an assh*le.
Tip: Admit you are an assh*le when you are an assh*le. You can't argue someone into no longer arguing with you.
I dunno, I kind of think that everything is God, you know?
There is nothing more tiresome and boring than two drunk people passionately agreeing with each other about agnosticism.
Tip: Do the appropriate stretches before you go out because your neck will become very strained from all the vigorous nodding you will invariably be forced to do.
Honestly, everything is, like, an illusion.
This is a close cousin of the "religion" conversation, but this one will always spiral into a discussion about parallel universes and, inevitably, the Singularity -- which no one in the conversation will actually understand.
Friday night at 2 am is not the time to solve all of life's mysteries. But, apparently, it's the only time most of us try to.
Tip: If someone uses the word "reality" around you, immediately begin discussing your bowel movement that day. I call this technique "Alec's Dookie Fake Out."
5. Work talk
He just doesn't know how to manage people at all!
Yes, work is stressful. Yes, some jobs suck. Yes, it takes up your whole week and 70 percent of your headspace (the other 30 percent is sex and food and Tina Fey TV shows), but the weekends are for getting away from all that gobbledygook.
The problem with this one is if you're out with someone you work with, it's almost impossible not to succumb to the gravitational pull of office conversation and sh*t-talkery.
And it's EVEN WORSE if you just get stuck between two people who work together. I call this scenario "The Complaint Feedback Loop."
No two people have more stamina for talking than two drunk people discussing office politics. It's like watching people give each other blue balls for two hours.
Tip: Never go out with two people who work together. And never go out with people who work with you.