Patty Parsons is too good to be true.
Before you dive into the Scrooge McDuck gold vault of priceless one-liners that is Parson's Twitter account, treat yourself to a little backstory.
The devoted mother -- who I pray with every ounce of my faith in the healing power of cheese exists IRL in a more tolerant capacity -- shared a photo on Twitter last week in an attempt to solve the mystery of her son's shower accessory.
Helpful Internet folk stepped in to educate.
The Jesus lover, who hashtags her posts in a delightfully backward manner, was outraged at the truth.
On top of finding out her son was a masturbator, Parsons discovered an aspect of his sexuality she had not yet considered.
The good people at Fleshjack informed Parsons her son's sex toy was not shaped like a woman's mouth, as she had assumed, but a man's mouth.
The tweets that followed were perhaps not the most accepting, as Parsons continued her denial spiral.
The idea Parsons is a maternal fabrication of one or more trolls is conceivable, but regardless of where her tweets are coming from, they're worth our gentle, well-intentioned ridicule.
Parson is forever laughing her butt off.
Sometimes a lady this busy needs an hour with her favorite "warsh rag."
Parsons is polite, but don't "poosh" it.
She shows love to her friends.
Parsons understands the buffet struggle.
Hate on Parsons all you want, but she'll end up laying you out like the "cold turd" you are.
Night, Patty Parsons.