Here Are All The Insane Butt Plugs You Never Knew Existed

Can we all talk for a second about the absurd amount of homemade butt plugs on Etsy?

I mean goddamn, Millennials! Not everything needs to be artisanal. Some things should just be mass produced by a company that makes quality products on a consistent basis. Not everything needs a cute spin on an original -- SPECIFICALLY NOT BUTT PLUGS.

Who was using butt plugs and was like, “Oh boy does this make my booty feel like a million bucks, but I sure wish it was made by some stranger in her living room with potentially dangerous materials and then sold online”? WHO!?!

Also, if there is one thing I don't want homemade, it's a butt plug. The last thing anybody on the planet wants is to have the handle of a metal spike break off in his or her boo-hole because the builder decided to use organic, non-GMO glue instead of industrial-strength superglue.

Anyway, here is a list of homemade butt plugs from the Etsy sellers with the least amount of chill on the planet.

1. This is a butt plug that is also a light.

In all honesty, this isn't a terrible idea.

2. This is a butt plug that is also a fox tail.

Rule of thumb: If it isn't fashionable when it isn't in your butt, it's not going to be fashionable when it IS in your butt.

3. This is a butt plug made of stainless steel, standing next to a battery.

On top of everything, this seems freezing.

4. This is a butt plug that is also a Magic 8 Ball.

There's a time and place for everything. I don't know, maybe wait like 15 minutes to get your fortune told?

5. This is a butt plug that is super judge-y.

OK, butt plug! Let's cool it with the accusations!

6. This is a butt plug that has the Virgin Mary on it.

...I'm Jewish, and I find this offensive.

7. This is a butt plug that is also a grenade...for your butt.

America's military-industrial complex problem has never been more apparent.

8. This is a butt plug shaped like Vladimir Putin.

In Russia, butt plugs you!

9. This is a butt plug made from mahogany.

"I have many leather-bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany."

10. This is a butt plug shaped like a shark.

For real, who is the market for this product?!

11. This is a butt plug modeled after Donald Trump.

Make your butthole great again!

12. This is a steampunk butt plug.

Great, I always wanted to have moving metal gears just inches away from my genitals.

13. This is a butt plug and a locket.

You know, to remember your grandma with.