The Trials And Tribulations Of Being A Straight Guy Who Doesn't Like Sports
America has never been this tolerant. An African-American man is president, homosexuals can legally proclaim their love and an Asian guy is dominating "Jeopardy" with an iron fist.
Yet, there is one community that remains oppressed. We are ignored in the media and ridiculed in public. Our good nature is marred by confusion and ignorance.
As you may have assumed, I am a Straight Guy That Doesn't Like Sports. And I demand equality.
The narrative is always the same. A coworker, teacher or acquaintance poses his perceived innocuous question:
"Did you see the Knicks game last night?" "Are you a Jets guy or Giants guy?" "Whaddya think of A-Rod's new (lawsuit, contract, muscular girlfriend)?"
Immediately, fear and tension course through my veins like snake venom. Most of the time I will try and cough up some generic sounding answer that I hope won't get a follow-up, sort of like the "bags of sand" explanation from "40 Year Old Virgin" or an 8-year old you pretending your parents let you see that R-rated movie that everyone at school did.
Occasionally I'll muster up the strength to be honest.
"Actually, I'm not a sports guy..."
Ever tell a straight guy you don't watch sports? It's like telling a gay guy you don't watch Bravo. Or telling a white girl you don't spin and eat quinoa.
The look of confusion, disappointment and disgust is painfully distinct. I detect it instantly, like a sommelier swishing around cheap table wine.
"Oh...that's..cool. Hey I'm gonna go check on those spreadsheets"
From that point on, I am tainted. People are afraid to talk about the game around me, like I'll take it as a personal insult. Even when there is LeBron chatter, I am relegated to awkward silence and curled lips.
Or sometimes they get comfortable, and make lame jokes that remind me of my otherness.
"Evan, that presentation was a home-run, TOO BAD YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS LULZZZZ YOU'RE WEIRD!!"
Either way, I'm f*cked. Sure, Football season is over, but then there's March Madness followed by MLB followed by Fire Island Freezetag, it never ends!
I guess people get put off because I don't fit some nerdy Magic: The Gathering stereotype. I'm a social guy, I work out. Hell, I play pickup basketball every Monday night.
I just don't get down with the stats and the scores and the spread and the fantasy league -- HEY MAN? YOU WANNA JOIN MY LEAGUE? WHAT LEAGUE ARE YOU IN? I GOT A BYE! IT'S MY BYE WEEK! AIN'T NO LIE, BABY BYE BYE BYE!!!
I'm not here to disparage professional sports (though I can do it quite easily), but rather to embrace my disinterest. I call upon all my fellow hetero-detractors to rise up and be proud. I want to organize a march on ESPN headquarters.
Sundays aren't meant to be wasted away watching some meaningless mid-season bore-fest, they're meant for brunches and weird documentaries on Netflix! To my apathetic brethren: you are not alone. Sure your your friends all ditched you to watch the Cuse-Duke game, but I am in your heart, always.
Besides, at least you're not like a real weirdo, like a Goth or something. Yuck. If you're just like me, join the rebellion!
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