Getting in shape is hard. It's time consuming. It's uncomfortable. You sweat. It's, like, a whole thing.
And like you, I don't feel like doing it. My schedule is very swamped between bingeing on "Top Chef," deeply analyzing my hairline and thinking about starting a blog.
Unfortunately, there is a widely spread and popular opinion that, as humans, we should always be striving to better ourselves, and one thing we can do to live longer and happier lives is get in shape.
“But Jamie, this goes exactly against what we just talked about," you might say. "And I don't want to. And I might start a blog soon.”
I know. Fear not. I've put together a list of tips and tricks that make it look like you're getting into shape, when really, you don't have to change a damn thing about your awesome, perfect, lazy routine.
1. Sports bra + pony tale + sneakers = instant SoulCycle instructor.
Dressing the part of someone who is in shape is literally 90 percent of being shape. The other 10 percent is side planks from what we can tell.
2. Get a spray tan.
Contouring your baby rolls makes them go from flab to fab-ish.
Everyone knows pale, pasty winter skin is a super common for someone who doesn't “work on themselves.” Tan pudge is like the cool, older sister to pale pudge. It wears lots of eye shadow and smokes cigarettes by the bike rack, if you know what we're saying.
Plus, it's like, if no one is there to see you do the crunches, then did the crunches even exist?
3. Carry around a very expensive water bottle.
No one buys expensive water bottles if they don't have something to prove on the elliptical. Stocking up on cool, pricey gear sends out a message to everyone that you invest in your personal fitness journey.
You wouldn't spend $35 on a glass water bottle decked out with LED lighting, rearview mirrors and batteries included if you didn't mean business on a stationary bike, am I right?
4. Get a haircut.
This keeps people guessing what's different about you. Distract distract distract.
If you can, get one of those infuriating haircuts that looks like maybe nothing happened to your head, but something definitely did happen to your head. Then, when people ask what's different about you, you can casually state that you've lost 15 pounds and gained half an inch of muscle around your biceps.
They'll be none the wiser.
5. Leave supplements around your apartment.
Having a giant tub of protein on top of your fridge can only mean one thing.
Stocking up on and displaying fitness foods and supplements is a telltale symptom of a gym rat. If you want to be like a gym rat, you have to stage like a gym rat.
6. Whenever possible, work bananas into the conversation.
Exclusive fitness tip: Bananas help the body avoid cramping. Drop that little truth bomb into a convo and watch people lose their minds.
People LOVE fitness facts, and this one is particularly good because if they google it, it's true. This makes you the health whisperer of happy hour.
7. Up your social media game. #bodygoals #fitness #ripped #lululemon
Reshare, tag and post any and all images you see regarding health, fitness, the gym or yoga — lots and lots of yoga.
In fact, just post pictures of people doing yoga in nature, and people will believe you invented the damn thing. It's a natural phenomenon. We don't know why it works. It just does. #namaste #zen
8. Fake an injury.
Having a cast is a perfect reason to not show up to the gym.
Use the guide below based on your personal fake sports preferences to find your personal fake injury:
If you're a fake tennis player or baseball player, your fake injury is torn rotator cuff If you're a fake football player, soccer player or basketball player, your fake injury is torn achilles tendon If you're a fake dancer or yogi, your fake injury is busted knee If you're a fake runner, your fake injury is shin splints If none of the above applies to your fake fitness activity of choice, just say you threw out your back and enjoy three months on your couch being left alone
9. Wear a giant, oversized coat at all times.
No one can argue you have a disgusting, unhealthy body if they can't see your disgusting unhealthy body.
10. Take a year to backpack around Europe.
Give everyone some time to forget what you really look like.
Once you're back from a truly enlightening, life-changing experience, your inner soul will glow so bright that the general public will be blinded looking at you and never recognize your totally normal, very average, just fine dad bod or mom butt. It's what's on the inside that counts.*
*Unless you are a celebrity, politician or actual fitness instructor. In this case, we recommend eating right and regular exercise, because honestly, you're sort of forever doomed to a life of judgment, inspection and outrageous standards. Sorry.