Universal Pictures

Answer Your Family's Awkward Questions At Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time for families all over this great country to gather together around a delicious, bountiful feast and proceed to brutally belittle each other.

Thanksgiving is the "Hunger Games" of holidays because it takes place in a confined space under the pretense of good humor and, in the end, no one is left unscathed.

And the worst part of Thanksgiving dinner are the questions. It's like all your relatives got together and figured out a game plan on how to make you feel like a failure.

But that's where I come in.

I have prepared for you a Thanksgiving survival guide, a cheat sheet of sorts, to help you navigate the onslaught of condescending and judgmental questions that will be hurled at you like turkey organs this Thursday.

You're welcome.

So, why are you still single?

  • (To your drunk uncle) Hm, I guess I'm picky. I don't want to get divorced like you.
  • (To your little cousin) I was dating Santa Claus, but then I realized he wasn't real.
  • (To your mom) Because you never taught me how sex works.
  • (To your grandma) You have gravy all over your face, Grandma.
Warner Bros. Television

When are you going to get a better job?

  • (To your drunk uncle) When you get a better toupee.
  • (To your little cousin) Around when you stop peeing the bed. Meaning, never.
  • (To your mom) When the economy your generation destroyed gets a bit better.
  • (To your grandma) You smell like baby wipes.

Are you OK? You seem tired.

  • (To your drunk uncle) Yes, I am tired. I'm really tired of your rum-and-coke-scented body odor.
  • (To your little cousin) I have mono. You can use my toothbrush tonight.
  • (To your mom) I'm using every ounce of my energy trying not to rage-punch the turkey.
  • (To your grandmother) Stop peeing.
Elite Daily

When are you going to have kids?

  • (To your drunk uncle) When you stop being racist.
  • (To your little cousin) When Paul Rudd starts to look his age.
  • (To your mom) When Paris Hilton learns Japanese.
  • (To your grandma) When you win the Decathlon.

You should really exercise more.

  • (To your drunk uncle) Yeah! How about we do some UFC sparing right now?
  • (To your little cousin) Does 'not throwing up when I'm drunk' count as exercise? Cause I got mad stamina.
  • (To your mom) Weird you should say that because I've been running from my feelings since 2004.
  • (To your grandma) Yeah, well you should have an exorcism.

Why aren't you in finance, like your cousin Tommy?

  • (To your drunk uncle) Because I'm just not as good at snorting Adderall as your little Tommy is.
  • (To your little cousin) Who taught you the word 'finance?' Stop watching the news.
  • (To your mom) I guess because my parents weren't as good at raising their kids as Tommy's were.
  • (To your grandma) We all know you just farted. You didn't get away with it. It smells like the inside of a dead horse in here now.

Have you been going to church?

  • (To your drunk uncle) Oh, all the time. I go to church with the same frequency that MTV plays music videos.
  • (To your little cousin) I think you mean “Take Me To Church” and yes, that song is dope.
  • (To your mom) I converted to Judaism because rabbis tell better jokes.
  • (To your grandmother) Yes.

Is that a tattoo?

  • (To your drunk uncle) No, I'm just having a severe allergic reaction to your halitosis.
  • (To your little cousin) No, it's just a Rugrat-shaped birthmark.
  • (To your mom) Yes, and it's just one of my many Satanist tattoos.
  • (To your grandma) Yes. I got it in prison.