I have pretty much no happy memories when it comes to the tooth fairy.
Even as a small child I was anti-capitalist, and strongly against the buying and selling of body parts for profit.
The big problems for me were: Why the fuck does this supernatural creature want my dead, useless teeth, and why am I being paid so little for them?
Teeth don't grow on trees, Tooth Fairy. They grow on the gums of growing children. You should know that.
I'm not sure if I'll uphold the tradition of telling my own children that an otherworldly creature collects the discarded calcium rocks we chew food with in the middle of the night from under our pillows.
But if I do, I'll follow this guy's lead.
Kellie Dawson's daughter Scarlett lost a tooth, and Kellie's husband decided to leave her this impressive note. It's full of grade A puns and provides a peek into some dad's imagining of a tooth fairy world.
She posted the letter on Twitter and people are dying over her husband's work.
This is what happens when you let your husband write the tooth fairy letter pic.twitter.com/uIjECZA8Lk — Kellie Dawson (@BigFashionista) October 22, 2016
I can only assume the all caps style is to obscure his handwriting.
Check out the note below:
Dear Scarlett, You couldn't wait until I was back from my holidays? there I was, sitting on a beach in Bermuda sipping a very alcoholic (but not too sugary) drink, when I get a text from one of my gumshoes telling me one of your pearly whites has escaped!! Bleeding marvelous! (See what I did there?) So then I'm on a boat, then a taxis, then a plane, followed by another taxi, a train, a replacement bus service, an uber, a unicycle and a tractor (don't ask) -- all to give you a measly two quid! Normally I make good money on teeth (unless I get done for incisor trading!), but this time I am seriously out of pocket.
Plus, I missed the beach barbecue and there was a cute leprechaun I had my eye on! Ah well. So, here you go! Here's your cash. Spend it wisely!! No sweets or sugary drinks. I'm heading back to Bermuda and I have to be quick as my tractor leaves in five minutes. If your other tooth comes out over half term do me a favor and glue it back for a bit! Let me have the rest of my holiday! This is a stressful job -- some days it's like pulling teeth! -- And I need a break. All the best, blah blah TF
My favorite part of the whole note is probably that it's simply signed "TF."
It's like the parent is pitching a tooth fairy movie where the tooth fairy is rebranded as a cool, chilled out, slang-using tooth peddler. I'd watch that movie.
Just kidding. I wouldn't. No one would. It's a bad idea. Sorry.