Being drunk is like going bankrupt or falling in love: It happens very slowly, then all at once.
But sometimes it's really hard to actually tell when you're drunk -- until, that is, you find yourself about to bring up the Israel-Palestine conflict and suddenly realize: “Oh no, I must be f*cking wasted.”
The Israel-Palestine conflict is to fun times hanging with friends what Anthrax is to the postal service.
But the thing is, if you're not stumbling into stuff or making out with strangers, sometimes it's pretty hard to tell if you're very drunk, or if you're just a buzzed dummy having fun. So let me help you out.
So here are 20 signs that, trust me, definitely mean you are drunker than you thought.
1. You keep challenging people to arm wrestling
"No, I'm like WAY stronger than I look."
2. If you're a guy, you see how far away from the toilet you can pee without spilling.
"I'm like a motherf*cking SNIPER right now."
3. You start palling around with every bouncer.
"How's your night going, bro? Anyone causing any trouble?"
4. You're flirting style goes from “be funny and likable” to “get so close to their ear hole that when you whisper something, you can basically lick their brain.”
"Yo girl, you got earwax? 'Cause, watch out, I'm going spelunking."
5. You realize you're dancing.
"When did I start dancing? And why isn't there any music playing?"
6. You realize you're just yelling.
"WAIT, THIS GUY HASN'T WATCHED 'DAREDEVIL' YET!"
7. Your techniques for not getting into arguments with your significant other have suddenly gone from “advanced word kung fu” to “c'mon, stop killing my buzz!!”
"Ugh, all I said was you LOOKED fat, not you ARE fat."
8. If you're a girl, you find yourself telling a friend in the bathroom that you guys DEFINITELY have to hang out more.
"I love you. Really, I love you. You're so great. We should see 'Trainwreck' together tomorrow."
9. If you don't smoke, you find yourself smoking. And if you do smoke, you are suddenly smoking like you are a house on fire.
"Um, I don't normally like cigarettes but I think maybe I should have 10 right now."
10. You keep having the thought “I bet I could totally jump over that.”
"Mailbox? I could jump over that. Fire hydrant? I could jump over that. Cop car with cops inside it? F*ck yeah, I could jump over that."
11. You aren't annoyed when someone brings up the fact that time is totally, like, a flat circle.
"You're right there IS NO time. It's like all happening at once. Like right now I'm here drinking this beer, but ALSO I'm at home watching 'New Girl.' Wow."
12. You are talking to a stranger without wanting to die.
"No, seriously dude, please tell me more about being an assistant at a law firm. That's really cool. Civil or criminal? Word. Do you handle, like, important DOCUMENTS?"
13. You see your reflection in the bathroom mirror and you look at yourself as if you're your own oldest friend.
"Here there, buddy, how're you holding up?"
14. You start telling people other people's secrets.
"Dude, I'm amazing at keeping secrets. I haven't told ANYONE about Tommy getting herpes."
15. You like someone you normally would hate.
"You know what, you're actually a good dude, Freddie. I don't know why I got so annoyed at you when you said I looked like adult MaCaulay Culkin. Do you have a cigarette?"
16. You are dancing on your way to the bathroom.
"Everyone is looking at me, and everyone thinks I am good at dance-walking."
17. You exit a conversation with no transition.
"And THAT's why the new pope is actually doing a lot to change the way the church -- OK, I'm gonna go talk to someone else."
18. You imagine having sex with everyone, including Samantha, who is, like, SO f*cking annoying.
"Ya, I'd prob f*ck all of you guys."
19. You start making brunch plans with everyone that will absolutely, 100 percent never happen.
"OK, I'll be outside of your apartment at 11 am sharp. Yeah, of course I'll be there. F*ck no, I won't be too tired. Dude, it's only 3 and I've only had like SOME absinthe."
20.You abruptly realize you care way more about eating than you do about being with whoever you're with.
"These people are not pizza. These people are NOT pizza."