Taylor Chien

Michael Phelps Releases Wedding Video And It's Intense

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Michael Phelps and his wife Nicole Johnson just released their wedding video to Brides magazine, and you now have the utter privilege of being able to witness it.

It is very intense.

If you don't feel like watching it yourself, don't worry, I'll summarize it for you.

The video, of course, begins with a topless shot of Phelpsy. After all, how else would we recognize him if we could not see his exposed nipples and hard torso?

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Then his soon-to-be wife and part-time voyeur walks in and gives a small satisfied smile when she sees how well-developed his deltoids are. He has not seen her yet, so she may stare as long as she likes.

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He rapidly puts on clothes, no longer wanting to just be a piece of meat. "There is more to me," Phelps thinks, "than just being able to move arms and legs good through H20 like fish."

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By the way, I'd just like to remind everyone, despite the fact that Phelps is the greatest human swimmer who ever lived, he's still not as good at swimming as just Any Bass.

Like, just go to a lake, find any bass, and that random bass is better at swimming than Olympic champion Michael Phelps. That's just so funny to me.

Phelps then takes his wife to the sea because he gets scared when not near water.

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The two walk by the sea while Phelps thinks about how jealous he is of fish for being so good at swim.

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His wife looks at him with love. Phelps thinks, "I wish I really was a fish."

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Phelps, who, sadly, can only walk on land for a short period of time before he collapses, must then be taken home in a golf cart.

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He kisses his wife on the way, to make up for saying she was "sexy as a flounder" the night before during coitus.

After putting her husband in the bath, so he can rest, Phelps' wife returns to the beach with her friends to shout and play Red Rover against neighborhood kids.

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And yeah, that's what the wedding video is about. It's OK if you cry.